This is what I get

An acquaintance of mine has been touting the succulent wonders of a certain candy bar that I've never had. I've been told on numerous occasions that I'm a crack smoking idiot if I don't run right out and purchase said goody but it has proven to be an elusive bitch and as much as I've been looking I haven't come across her beloved bar until yesterday.

As I was returning back to work after picking up my automobile from the ripoff over-priced whores Honda service department I felt a little peckish and stopped to pick up some lunch at one of the hoity-toity groceries in La Jolla you'reaworthlesspigifyoudon'tdriveahummer, California near my workplace.

While cruising through the throngs of Dolce & Gabanna sunglasses and designer dogs, trying to find some sushi among the free range starfruit and Peruvian purified by pious part-time priests bottled water, I spied the candy aisle. Sorry, the Ruelle de Sucrerie, shoo shoo poo poo. And what did my little eye spy but a Zagnut bar! The one and only sweet my friend has been bugging the shit out of me about.

Not one to pass an opportunity to munch on something bad for me I snatched it from the shelf with cat-like speed and trotted to the checkout (where I was soundly reprimanded by the snooty clerk for fucking up the cash back feature that, may I say, was stupid beyond all measure and their electronic cc slider thingy was over-sensitive and tried to give me $200 instead of $20 because when I gently and delicately barely touched the zero button it fucking freaked out and ran across the damn screen.) But I digress...

After returning to work and eating my over-priced and substandard sushi it was time to finally consume the candy confection I've heard so much about. I picked it up and scanned the packaging and was surprised to see there was no chocolate involved in this tantalizing treat. Hmm, I said to myself, I wonder what could be so good about it. No chocolate = no fun but I'm a gamer and a sugar fiend and would probably eat a dog turd if it was covered in frosting.

I pealed back the red wrapper and was perplexed by what I saw. It looked...fuzzy. Sort of like a fish stick. And not a color found in nature. This could be bad, I said to myself. I ingest enough cat hair to choke a chicken, I don't want to purposefully gobble up the edible equivalent of a mohair sweater covered in tuna sprinkled with pesticide but what the hell, I'll give it a shot.

I took a hearty bite, this was candy after all, and my first impression was, shit, I just bit into a compressed stick of wood shavings but then the taste hit my buds and it was good! Wait. Toasted freeze-dried coconut bits? Bad. But wait! A delightful peanutty taste. Good! Wait. Freeze-dried coconut PLUS a peanutty taste. BAD. But wait! It's sugary and sweet and not so awful. T'was GOOD! But wait again!

GAWD DAMMIT. THIS SHIT IS ALL STUCK IN MY TEETH LIKE HARDENED LAVA AND MY SHIRT LOOKS LIKE I RAN THROUGH A SAW MILL IN A HIGH WIND AFTER BEING DOUSED WITH HONEY! WTF?!?

Then I proceeded to spend the next 10 minutes picking pulverized floor laminate lodged in my molars but hey, it was sweet and not so horrible but kind of a waste of calories and without chocolate it's sort of like eating white label cookies that are crushed at the bottom of the bag. They're no Oreo but will do in a pinch. So, in conclusion, and on a scale of 1 to awsome, I give the Zagnut a big, fat MEH.