Hello again

Have you ever followed a blog then the writer just up and disappears with no explanation and you check back a few times and think to yourself wtf happened to that person?

Are they dead?
Had a baby?
Move to Paraguay?
Living in a van down by the river?
Kidnapped by a cabbage worshipping cult?
Get married?
Get divorced?
Dabble in the dark-sided?
Unfortunate gardening accident?
Self-combusted?
Became a David Hasslehoff groupie?
Swinging on a pole in Pocatello, Idaho?
Bear attack?
Chained to a tree for political reasons?
Chained to a tree for non-political reasons?
Having a medical "procedure" in Sweden?
Counseling Tyra Banks on how to be even more fierce?
Bacon coma?
Creative block?
Lazy?
Hazy?
Crazy?

Yea. Me too.

Wrap it up

Our holiday was nice, but busy, and half filled with stress as we entertained whitey's mom for 5 days. You know how it goes...It wasn't the crushing spectacular crap of last year but we still fantasize about having the kind of vacation/staycation we dream about. Just the two of us, a giant bottle of Vodka and nothing to do but whatever we want. Someday.

I'm not making that sound very good but really, we had a fun time. There were plenty of laughs and killer bloody Cesar's, we're all still breathing in-and-out (which is a plus), and grateful for what we have. There are a lot of plans for 2009 and I'm looking forward to taking care of the things I have the power to take care of. In the meantime, here's a wrap-up of my year borrowed from the lovely Sundry.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and will be enjoying a happy and safe New Year. Since whitey and I are cranky jerks we'll be spending the evening enjoying some Japanese food (sushi for me, Kobe beef for the wuss him) and just relaxing at the house safe from drunk drivers, cover fees and annoying people. Woot! It's just the way we like it!

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
Photographed two weddings. I'd add "and lost my mind doing it" but only the photographing part hadn't been done before.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't. I didn't even write anything down last year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Only to a few dozen cows.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully, no. The 2 previous years were too full of that crap.

5. What countries did you visit?
Fantasyland, Frontierland, Tomorrowland, and Adventureland.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Decent health.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 5th - the day I broke my arm.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Being the bigger person and repairing the relationship with my mother - and sticking to my guns on how visits will go from now on. Short and sweet. Even if it causes me a little pain that time is short with my elderly father - I'm proud of the way I've handled things and did what was best for me.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not losing this fucking weight.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yes - on a daily freaking basis! Actually, things health-wise got worse this year and I plan on trying to fix what I can and brave my way through icky shit I'll be facing after the 1st. Darnit.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A tie between my car and new washer/dryer combo. Getting those in the same month wasn't the brightest move, though.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Mine.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mine.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Target and doctors.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I don't think I got thrice excited about anything but our trip to San Fran in Feb jazzed me up quite a bit.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Disturbia.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:a) happier or sadder?b) thinner or fatter?c) richer or poorer?
If we're talking about the exact date - things are better, way way better, but I've gone a few steps backwards with most of those - a bit sadder, a bit fatter and a lot poorer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Exercised.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Ate junk food.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
At home with family and friends.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I fall more in love with my boyfriend every year.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Oh - there are so many. I'd have to say True Blood or Dexter since they were both new to me this year.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Oh, sure. I'm a bitch like that. Although I don't use the word hate often.

24. What was the best book you read?
Water for Elephants - incredible!

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I'm not a music junkie.

26. What did you want and get?
A new(ish) car.

27. What did you want and not get?
To sell my house and move. :(

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Ironman.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I had a lovely day playing hookie from work, went to the barn and rode my favorite horse, had lunch with friends, a little shopping, then a nice sushi dinner at home with my love. 41 was awesome.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Really getting my shit together and stop acting like I'm a damn teenager who can treat her body however she wants filling it with junk, not getting enough sleep, etc. It's ridiculous. If I could make better decision so I can feel better I'd be extremely satisfied, I'm sure.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Concept? Like did I invent a pulley system for my tits? I didn't do anything new except find the best hair care products ever.

32. What kept you sane?
Being at home. It's my haven.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I have the warm fuzzies for a lot of people, men and women, but I'd have to say Robert Downey Jr. gets my vote for most awesomest. He walked through the fire and came out the other side full of win! I hope he keeps rocking the shit out of Hollywood for a long, long time.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Jesus, do I even need to mention it? The whole fucking year was about politics but I'd have to say watching California take a GIANT shit with Prop 8 was devastating. Hopefully that discriminating, unconstitutional bullshit measure will be overturned this year. Equality for all!!

35. Who did you miss?
K. and her mom, D.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
I can't think of anyone.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
That my mother will always treat me differently than my brother and it's her problem, not mine. There's nothing I can do about it so stop fighting it. Stop feeling terribly about it. I have a lot more control over things than I though.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year
She drives me crazy
Like no one else
She drives me crazy
And I can't help myself

And a bonus 39 by me - What do you continue to hold true?
I'm grateful for every breath I take. Despite my challenges I will continue to live my life to the fullest possible, I love life.

See you all next year!

Observations

There's something incredibly creepy about a funeral home radio advert that wishes you a (emphasis on this word) safe holiday season. Is that like reverse psychology or something? I remain suspicious.

It's pointless to argue with a sonogram tech over the insanely stupid amount of required water newly filling into your bladder mere minutes after you were praised for said amount of water being "just perfect" but is now "too much" because one cannot be expected to get up and use the restroom "every 10 minutes" when the calmly bitchy tech has an 8 inch vag cam shoved into your nancy. She really holds the cards at that point.

I'd really like to develop a game of Walmart Bingo. The squares would consist of things/species/odors you will undoubtedly experience whens shopping there. Chances to win increase on Saturday afternoons. Things like wailing child, missing teeth, fart cloud, surly employee, mystery stain, fat ass blocking aisle, pile of broken glass, shoplifted item/empty carton, police car parked outside, and receipt error.

All U.S. Postal Service workers are assholes.

Yes. All.

Day 30

Daily posting for the month of November has come to an end. It wasn't that hard this year. I really didn't stress about it. I'm sure there are quite a few crap entries but at least I didn't give up or get all bent out of shape trying to be perfect cause we all know there's no such thing and perfectionism leads to inevitable failure which leads to bad feelings which lead to eating mass quantities of chocolate and the eating of chocolate should always be for a happy reason. Well, unless your mother is involved then pound away.

We're also winding down to the close of another year and with Thanksgiving being all stupidly late it feels like Christmas and New Years will be here in fricken blink and how the fuck am I suppose to redecorate the entire house before my boyfriend's mother gets here when I only have like 2 gawd damn days? I'd like to write a terse letter to whoever decides that shit.

In the meantime, I will keep working on not getting stressed out and taking the time to have fun, pay attention to the right things and reflect on the year. And if that involves large glasses of wine then so be it. As long as I'm not driving or throwing air punches at old ladies cutting in my Target line then it's A. O. K. Friends don't let friends drink and shop.

And even though we have another whole 30 days until the the calender turns over to 2009 I'm going to issue a challenge now since I think it takes some practice to get this right. I want you to be nicer to yourself. Take some time to pay attention to how you treat yourself and what your inner voice sounds like.

Does she sound like a nasty teenage girl cutting you down every chance she gets? Is it a viscous guy tearing you apart because you don't look like an airbrushed, anorexic model straddling seatless bike on the cover of Maxim? Do you tell yourself things you wouldn't up with from anyone? Are you nice to yourself?

Now, before you start to think, jesus h., she's given up the bitter for benevolent don't' worry, I'm still a crusty crank and always will be but I've had it up to "here" with beating my own self up for shit I can't change or letting myself either wallow in the boo-hoo's for the things that will be hard to change or sticking my lovely face in the sand and ignoring stuff all-together and it's time to stop that.

That's not saying that there are certainly times when existing on auto-pilot isn't OK and extremely justified. There is nothing wrong with that, it's part of self-preservation and I support it whole-heartedly. It's the letting that turn into crap habits that is the problem. So, here's the deal, my own personal goal,and challenge for anyone else out there wanting to change some undesirable factor in your life is to adopt a simple word, a pledge, a mantra.

Enough.

That's it. That's all you have to do. Be it out loud, whispered quietly, in your own mind, or shouted from the rooftops just say that tiny six lettered word. Enough.

Say it to stop the bullet train of negative thoughts in your head. The next time you're tearing yourself apart for having a fat belly, crows feat, hammer toes, tell yourself "ENOUGH". If you want to lose that fat belly then after the 20th m-n-m you're shoving into your maw say enough.

If you're in a relationship that sucks the soul out of you, is harmful, wrong or dangerous, resolve that it's enough and make the right moves to change it. Know without a doubt that if anyone ever tries to tell you that you aren't enough, you tell yourself you are. Fuck that, of course you are. If some asshole doesn't see it then that's their problem, not yours. Enough!

Have a shitty person in your life that constantly brings you down? Enough! Reaching for that last tequila shot that will cause your panties to drop and a day worth of puking ahead? Enough. Been in that crap-ass job for far too long and hear yourself complaining endlessly? Killing yourself trying to be perfect? Do you think you're not worthy unless something else wants you? Well, let me tell you, you are. Enough.

Spent way to long laying on that couch wallowing in self-pity, self-doubt, self-loathing, self-absorption? Tired of being a zombie living a half-life, dragging around the past like a ball-and-chain? Are you so over being weighed down by regret and flesh and ghosts of the past? That's enough, babe. Enough.

You are enough.

Now go buy yourself something pretty!

The escapist

I'm still a bit high from my 28 hours of non-carnage Thanksgiving with my family. That's not to say there were pa-lenty of times that I mentally rolled my eyed and called my brother an asshole under my breath. And I'm still giving myself props for not losing my shit in a monstrous way when I heard my brother say the exact same thing verbatim that I did to my mom last Christmas that caused her to unhinge her jaws and swallow me whole and treating me like a leper with weeping sores for an entire week saying no much more than go to hell and please pass the gravy.

Somehow I managed to stay breezy the whole time and didn't let any stomach acid of stress boil over or be reactive in any way. I just let it go, which for me is not an easy task. Telling myself that my mom treats me different and always will and it doesn't make me any better or more importantly, worse than my brother or niece or anyone else so fuck it. I'm not getting my ass hair in a knot over it.

Look at me, all healthy and shit.

Dinner was fabulous but as I've been fighting the stupid tummy troubles I didn't eat too much so I wasn't rolling around like a beached whale moaning about being stuffed like everyone else was. And frankly, my mother's inventive style of passive-aggressive cooking always leaves me a little leery. There are plenty of things she's does well but she has this subconscious hangup about putting a twist on food that sets you up for failure.

The stuffing was from a Trader Joe's box that I've made myself before and tastes great on its own if you follow the simple directions. My mother gets the bright idea of adding to it but you end up with a few moist bread crumbs amidst 4 thousand pieces of celery, which I'm allergic to. And I did my best to encourage her not to eat the pumpkin pie that inexplicably grew a colorful and thick layer of mold over night but she wouldn't hear of it and I watched as she scraped a little off with a knife then cut herself a nice, big slice.

Dear Mother - DO NOT EAT MOLDY FOOD. We have a WHOLE NOTHER PIE.

At least we've gotten her to stop putting the turkey guts in the gravy. It's impossible to pick out specks of pulverized spleen from your mashed potatoes, I'll have you know. Plus my dad can't keep his hands off the boiling gizzard, neck, bunghole or whatever disgusting bird organ he so desperately loves so there's nothing left over to make gravy with except the beautiful, beautiful juices.

Things almost took a turn as I was being dropped off at the platform to make my way home. There was a 20 minute debate on where I should be standing (granted, it was a bit confusing with 2 tracks with matching platforms and misleading signs) and my brother's inner grizzly bear was starting to show his fangs, but thankfully my train approached (as my father stood in the middle of the tracks to watch it for fuckssake!) and was stopped long enough for me to ask a porter if it was the right one. I was relieved beyond measure.

My train rides to and from my brother's house were a mini adventure, to say the least. I saw many walks of life and restrained from pounding the cranky old lady who tapped me on the head to tell me to move my suitcase to give another passenger a seat on the crowded train leaving San Diego. Apparently the 10 seconds it was taking me to get situation was a lifetime to wait.

I upgraded to business class on my last train home and was given a complimentary glass of wine that I gladly accepted. It helped alleviate the desire to break the ankles of the woman fucking around with the foot rest on the back of my seat the whole way. Seriously, there were 50 plus fucking empty seats and she sits right behind my stupid ass. Naturally. But I was not murdered in Union Station during my layover in Los Angles so I'd call that also a success.

Best thing of the whole deal? Making this gingerbread trailer with my niece and mom. It was hysterical. A total mess but hysterical. I highly recommend making one. Hope you all had a great turkey day and thank gawd Nabloblahblah is almost over!

WHEW!

I made it. More than 24 hours with my family and nothing bad happened. Not one thing! And despite public transportation freakies and nusances, internally rolling my eyes about 20 times at stuff and having the obligatory worries about my dad, it all went smashingly well without any real smashing!

I'd call that a Success!!

YAY!

Happy Turkey Day

I have so much to be thankful for. And I will be thinking of it all while I'm drinking in the bar car. Wish me luck and have a great day!