Intermission

Sorry for the delay. I've been stalled by an accident over the weekend that nearly broke my arm which is now hanging off my shoulder like a big meaty purple ham hock. It's impressive in a holy shit did you get the tag off the semi that ran you over kind of way and only half-functional.

I'm telling people I used my elbow as a battering ram to break down the door of a flaming orphanage to save 29 parentless children since confessing that my scaredy-cat widdle horsie didn't like the looks of my utterly terrifying light blue waterbottle which sent his pea-brain into a convulsion of horror causing him to jump 4 feet sideways effectively dumping my fat ass onto the ground and smashing my entire right side.

~sigh~

Be back soon.

**update: It's fricken broken!!

Not gone...

...just hibernating.

Deep breath

Boy. Are things going to be different this year.

Way different.

Merry Happy

Well, as you can see I've taken a little break from blogging. And I do believe that break will continue for a while longer. Time to regroup and get some stuff behind me, cleared out of my brain and re-energize, which will SO CLEARLY NOT HAPPEN this week since I'm spending it with MY FAMILY. Then I need to decide if I can still do this. Should do this.

At least whitey and I will be together and his mom is joining us too. Oh, did I not mention? His mother is meeting my parents FOR THE FIRST TIME as we're all trapped in the same house for near a week during the holidaze. I don't know what I'm more nervous about killing me, the flights up there and back or all of us under one roof.

Anyway, I wish anyone who's still cruising by a very Merry Whatever You Celebrate and a safe & happy New Year. See you on the flip side. Sometime. Hopefully.

Here's a little prezzie from me to you.

Day 30

It's the end of Nablopomo 2007 and I'm left feeling, well, like I half-assed it. My head was full of ideas and stories but the motivation, she wasn't really there. Last year I definitely felt the pressure to push myself and I think I did. This year, the pressure felt very homeworky and being resistant to all things mandatory I performed like I normally do, with the enthusiasm of a teenage boy who's been asked to take out the trash. That kid will need a bulldozer and a barrel of vaseline to remove him from the couch.

And for that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for boring anyone (all 4 of you, heh) and sorry to myself for not trying harder. But hell, I know things have been emotionally crazy for awhile and I'm checked out half the time these days. I suppose it's my way of coping. And man, I didn't want to sound like Bummer Girl here since things are OK today. I've actually felt the first twinges of excitement over moving which is really fucking cool since I wasn't sure if that would come back and so soon to boot!

I've got a bit of the Christmas spirit and have hopes for our vacation to my parents house, which will be a total disaster but at least I'm laughing about it now. And planning the cocktails. Lots and lots of cocktails. I'm doing great on my gift budget this year and haven't done my usual 1 to 1 ratio of a gift off my list and one for me. Progress! I'm going to decorate this weekend and put up our little tree since we're flying out X-mas day and will have to celebrate on our own the night before.

We finally got some much-needed rain here, albeit with trepidation since it will cause mudslides to the burn areas and jesus, please, no one needs to have what's left of their house crash down a muddy hillside too. I'm going out to brunch and doing some shopping with one my favorite friends tomorrow and I took my first round of a special antibiotic to hopefully fix my eternally fucked up stomach and I haven't barfed it up yet so that's good too.

I'll most likely try Nablopomo again next year and hopefully I'll be in a better position to get my ass in blog gear soon.

Mind over emotion

I'm totally freaking out.

Like crying, hyper-ventilating, panic-attacking, dizzy-spelling freaking out.

We're putting the house back on the market. And never mind the fact that my new real estate agent is a creepy little weasel man and his associate/assistant is persistent as a raging yeast infection and we have to re-list my home for a disgustingly rock-bottom price because the fucking housing market is being a sullen bitch, the real panic is that WE'RE MOVING.

Oh my fucking gawd. How am I going to do this? How am I going to pack up and leave the only hometown I've ever known? Leave the city I've grown up in? Start all over virtually from scratch? New state, new city, new house, new job, new set of fears, phobia's and anxieties to contend with. There's not enough medication on the West Coast.

I weighed the pros and cons forever before I decided I was ready, although I've never really been ready. I don't do well with change. I don't even like to switch brands of pens, how the fuck do I think I can move 1000 miles north?? But I know I need to do this, for a myriad of very good reasons, intellectually I realize this is something that must be done. But emotionally? I'm screaming on the inside and mentally death-gripping the doorjamb while common sense is trying to shove my fraidy-cat fat ass through it.

And I had made the decision, months ago. I was going to go and was handling it but then the condo didn't sell and we took it off the market and once again I was saddled with tons of mixed feelings because I had been so ready, or rather I was going to fucking do it and get out of here and my window of opportunity for the decision was closed. And now I'm all fucked up about it again!

But I'm also afraid that if I don't do this now, if I don't take this chance and push myself for the experience of it all I'll be stuck in a rut forever and I'm sick of the sound of my own voice complaining about things I have the power to change. But gawd damn, is it ever terrifying. Even after all the research and questions posed to strangers and family and friends and hoping that our choice of new cities will be a good fit, it's still brain-numbing petrifying.

I don't like my job- hate it in fact, I don't have nearly the amount of friends I used to, most of the people I love are peppered all over the country and aren't in my hometown. My best friend here has a chaotic, busy life and we hardly see each other. I've been riding at my barn for 16 years now and it's sort of run its course. I don't love it like I used to and our core group isn't tight like it was 5 years ago.

Whitey and I have out-grown my little 1100 square foot condo and our neighborhood isn't the kind we'd like to live it. Our windows face our neighbors, all of them, so to have privacy we have to be shut up tight as a ducks ass. We spend most of our time working or sitting at home. Our commute sucks giant, sweaty donkey balls and it's so expensive here we're both working paycheck to paycheck. Our Homeowners fees are $375 a month which sort of feels like being rammed in the ass by a Duraflame log come billing time.

The weather sucks for me 8 months of the year, it's starting to smell like Los Angeles on the bad smog days, and we don't have a yard for the dogs we so desperately want and need for our sanity. To do any of the "touristy" things we like to do we have to wait for the off-seasons or we're contending with the million people vacationing here in the summer and escaping snow in the winter. And let's not even talk about fire season.

So why am I being such a pussy about this move??

On the list

This morning I was asked what I want for Christmas this year.

I do believe I'd like one of these.

Anyone know how to add this to my Amazon.com wish list?