Wednesday, November 12, 2008

11/12

14 years ago today I walked down the aisle and married the biggest asshole ever.

OK, he wasn't an asshole immediately before and after the wedding but I knew it would never last and shouldn't have gotten married and went through the whole exercise in pain for the wrong reasons but I tell ya, it was one hell of a great fuckin' party and I looked awesome.

However, I don't recommend doing what I did. I was a stupid 27 year-old kid who'd been with a motherfucker for almost 6 years already and was miserable part of the time through most of it. I knew 6 months into the twisted relationship that it wasn't right, good or healthy but I was too chicken to leave. I vividly recall the instant the tide turned and I knew, knew I'd just made a huge mistake.

We were driving somewhere and having a normal conversation but I inadvertently hit some hot button and he about ripped my head off going 75 mph on the freeway past the mall. I remember sitting there, choosing to hold my tongue and thinking, I just created a pattern. If I don't tell him he's shithouse crazy if he thinks he can talk to me like that then he will do it again. But, that stupid wuss fear got in the way and I kept my mouth shut.

And who knows if it truly would have made a difference if I spoke up at that moment. If I made him take the next exit and drive me home, making a loud-and-clear statement. Maybe it would, maybe it wouldn't have changed the course of our relationship. I doubt it. I was too dependant on having someone "want" me to feel worthy. I needed to have a boyfriend then a husband to prove that if a man chose me then I was good enough.

I don't feel that way anymore.

I'm in a relationship because I want to be there, not because I need to be there. Took me a long time to figure that out and I would never say I don't have my insecure moments, but I know I'm fine on my own and what I think of myself is the most important thing before what someone else thinks of me.

I'm much, much better at picking and chosing my battles. At paying and giving attention to the important things. I've worked hard on my communication skills and picked a guy who does the same, has the same goals, is in it for the same healthy reasons. The road isn't smooth as glass but it's a hell of a lot better than something littered with killer landmines.

As for my x-husband? I knew on the last day of my honeymoon I was in deep doodoo. I realized as I was crying alone in the bathroom on our first Valentines day as a married couple that I wanted out and agreed with myself I needed to stay a year so my parents didn't have tandem heart attacks over the 20 grand they'd just spent on my big, fat white wedding. I ended up lasting more than 2. 2+ years that took me 5 to get over. But that's all another story for another time.

I'm sure the fucker is out there somewhere, wearing his dirty sweats, taking advantage of his parents and being a dick to some other girl. I don't think of him often, except for the thousand dollars he never paid me back, that I'd like to see but I think icicles would be hanging from my tits before that happened.

This day doesn't mean anything to me any more but a tiny little wee small part tucked back in the recesses of the naughty part in my brain hopes he thinks of me before the night is through and this is what he sees.

the classiest bride...

Ha ha. Eff you, a-hole.

3 comments:

Avalon said...

Oh Betty.

I wish you could talk some sense into my asshat of a kid -- about the loser she is with. Their relationship sounds dead-on to you and the ex.

I'm so glad you and Whitey found each other. Now I wish my spawn would wake the fuck up before she's walking down the aisle.

Avalon said...

BRW~~ You were one smokin' bitch in that dress!

kat said...

Hey, I had a marriage like that, too. I stayed 16 years and spent the whole time placating him because if he was happy, then I was happy, right?

God, I was dumb. I maybe should have said "NO!" to the marriage proposal, seeing as how I was giving him a blow job at the time. Not one of my more stellar moments.