Monday, August 27, 2007


I do believe I'm fully recovered from that damn reunion. It sort of seems like a blur anyway, which might or might not have anything to do with the fact that I was nervous, it was 100,000 degrees that day and the only thing I consumed in the way of food was half of a Jack-n-the-Crack kids-meal cheeseburger 8 hours before drinking a gallon of white wine.

In a word? It was weird. So, so weird.

Matty and I were both jittery, some from excitement (mostly him) and some from dread (mostly me) and some from holy shit we're going to see people from 20 years ago (mostly both.) So after getting appropriately fabulous and cleavaged we headed down to the hotel lobby for a pre-soiree drinky-poo to take our edges off. ($28.00 for 2 drinks, wtf W??)

After we'd drained our cocktails we hopped in a cab for the mile drive to the fucking boat this party was being held on which was possibly the worst choice for a venue I could think of. No climate control, no big room for mulling about, and it was fugly.

I'd like to send a terse letter to the genius who thought it was a good idea to host a reunion on a floating museum with 7 foot ceilings that trapped the summer heat like a sauna full of old men with B.O. because they should be fired from whatever volunteer position they'd signed up for. Hello! Ladies in nice dresses that don't want to peel the paper ass-gaskets off their butts in the bathroom! Hi! Didn't really want to spend the night daintily wiping the running sweat from my forehead! High heals on uneven floors! Jesus, that part sucked.

Since one little ol' drink wasn't enough to calm our nerves we decided to head straight for the bar when we joined party. As we were shuffling and scooting between the bodies in this god damn small space I recognized the guy I took to my junior prom. Even 22 years later the face was (sort of) the same. I grabbed Matty and loudly whispered, hey, I think that's J!! And then proceeded to yell J's name.

J whipped his head around and looked at me, trying to figure it out. We ran over to him and the group he was standing with. As we all merged and looked at the name tags the hoopin' & hollerin' began. "OMG it's YOU!!" "OMG it's YOU!!"

More of our old friends were nearby and came over to us. They all recognized me immediately with the claim that I hadn't changed a bit which is really not the compliment it seems to be. Hell yes I've changed! Hopefully for the better, you fuckers. One girl did say I was pretty which finally made me feel like there had been at least some type of improvement from my 80''s feathered mullet and grey eye shadow. For fucksake, people.

As more old friends were recognized, cries of recognition commenced and the how-are-yous were asked and a pattern began to emerge. Everyone was GREAT and we said we were GREAT and everything was GREAT which we all know is a total lie but that's what you do at these things. Some people we thought were going to be there weren't and they were sorely missed. Some people we didn't think would should up in a million years and we had no idea what had happened to them were there and we were happy. Go figure.

It was all going well and a bunch of us sat down for some dinner, I'll keep my liquid thankyouverymuch, and even though I didn't know everyone at the stupid boat booth, the conversation was going well, centered around number of kids, marital status, etc.

One of the (many) guys I'd had a mad crush on in high school but whom I'd irritated constantly with my obnoxious antics was sitting to my right. He's become a working actor/musician and we were all excited & proud for him. As he and I were chatting I suddenly became retarded when I thought I was going to be charming. As is the long-standing tradition of my big stupid mouth I looked him right in his nice face and blurted, "Wow, so like I'm like so totally sorry I was like such a pain in the ass to you in high school."

His smile faded to a little sneer and he said to me, "I have no idea what you're talking about and if you hadn't said anything I would never have thought about it (you stupid idiot)." I tried to play it off but he chose to torture me about it all night bringing it up over and over but changing it to me being mean to him when in actuality I was mean to everyone else but him. To him I was annoying which is completely different and by the end of the night I really don't think he was kidding about it at all. :(

As the evening wore on old personalities took over and it was just weird. Some truths about hard times were slipping out but the whole thing was so frenetic and booze-laced I don't remember much until it was midnight and the party was over. At least half the crowd of reunionors walked across the street to the nearest hotel to continue the night at the bar but being San Diego it was already closed. God forbid you want to party after 12:00 around here.

After much drunken shouting of plans we decided to have people come back to our room with a stop for more refreshments on the way, which also didn't work out because liquor stores close at midnight too. Some people began walking, some jumped in cars blah blah, we ended up with a group of about 10 people in our room with a few booze-hounds getting lost along the way but hey, we're all adults, they'll be fine. Again I didn't know everyone in the room but whatever, we had a mini bar!

We raided the tiny bottles in the tiny fridge and had a lot of laughs, told some old stories, passed around some old pictures and a yearbook, and promised to keep in touch. Which probably won't happen. I learned, again, that people really don't change that much and some people I don't need to see again and some I hope I do, although my expectations are unfortunately low.

I went to bed with a million mixed emotions which lasted for a few days beyond that. As I whined to Matty fretting that I'd probably said many stupid things and I really think I offended that one person by not clarifying that I was kidding when I really was and failed miserably at conveying my true feelings that I just hope everyone is happy in their lives and wish them nothing but well. Damn my tough-chick persona that always pops out when I'm trying to protect myself. Or drunk.

Sweet Matt kept telling me that these people haven't spent any real time with me in the last 20 years nor had they really in a few short hours on one crazy night so they don't know who I really am which is not that 17 year-old fool from 1985. Therefore, I dunno. It was bizarre and good and strange and poked at old wounds and was weird and fun all at once.

I came to the conclusion many years ago that High School is the 4 years you never get over. Unless you've spent a crapload of time with childhood friends people are locked into your memory banks back in that time and really, life doesn't get much different. People aren't much different. Every time I hear someone say, "this isn't High School" or some derivation of the phrase I think to myself, fuck yea it is. Behavior doesn't change that much. But I will give everyone the benefit of the doubt, which I hope they give me, and wish them happiness and all that shit.

All-in-all I'm glad I went and I'm glad I could be there for my beloved Matty, but I don't think I can go through that again. Unless I become a rich and famous artist. Then I might consider it.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Is this too much to ask?

I want someone to tell me that spending 6 hours with people you haven't seen in 20 years, most of whom you will never see again, is nothing to become so obsessed about that you actually lose sleep over agonizing that you did or said something wrong making these virtual strangers think, Jesus, she hasn't changed at all, when in fact you have changed a lot despite falling right back into old patterns of jokes underlined with threats that I will still fuck your shit up when in reality I just wanted to kiss every single person square on the mouth and tell them that all I wish is that they're happy but maybe it came out wrong and please forget that I became the fat one.

I would like someone to point out the fact that turning 40 is no big deal and the alternative is not turning 40 which means that you've been sprinkled over your favorite cliff by drunk and crying (you'd better be crying) friends so it's entirely stupid to fret over it and remember that you, in fact, are indeed not a total failure and do not possess a retarded "must be accomplished by" list folded and worn, deep in the back part of your wallet and it's not too late to start over in any manner of things you want to change and you're not stuck in a shitty career that's not a career anyway but a dumb job and you can move and you will alter your life for the better because you are not powerless over every single thing and age is just a stinking number even though you'll have to check a new age-range box on surveys but life is what you make it and there won't be a mob of angry villagers chasing you out of Sephora to confiscate your pink glitter lip gloss.

I need someone to distract me with something shiny.

Thank you.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Such a tough girl

I've stolen a meme. It wasn't given to me so I took it. And you can't do anything about it. Whatcha gonna do? Call the meme police? Just go ahead and try. I bet they're stupid anyway. A bunch of posers with carpal tunnel and Halloween costume cop hats. They can't do anything to me. I'm untouchable. So here I go, flaunting my 5 finger discounted meme which I'll just use up and throw away anyhow because I don't even like the word meme and this one isn't that interesting but it doesn't change the fact that I'm a bad ass motherfucker who shoplifted the meme.

~flips off security camera~



Five favorite days of the year
Besides Saturday and Sunday when I get to do whatever the feck I want to, ride my horse, shop, nap, eat nothing but half a tube of low-fat chips-a-hoy (not that I did that last weekend)?
1. My birthday - should be recognized as a national holiday. Will someone please get on that?
2. Halloween - despite the lack of awesome parties I never get to go to or the ability to show off the most righteous costumes I come up with, I love this day and the creepy, fall, crisp-air, monster-movie vibes that come with it. (And the shit piles of candy)
3. Christmas - day off, pressies, duh. It's good.
4. Thanksgiving - license to pig.
5. Any day I don't feel like crap.

Five things I watched this week
You might sense a theme here...
1. Big Brother - for chrissakes, Amber! STOP FUCKING CRYING!!
2. Hell's Kitchen - thanks for giving me the phrase "You fucking donk-ay!!" I will use it with pride.
3. Real World 492 - Australia - another group of egotistical assholes. It's gonna be delicious.
4. So You Think You Can Dance - I'm over it already.
5. Porn. What?

Five things you don't want to do but should
This is stupid because everyone is going to have the same answers, eat better, sleep more, blah blah blah and I'm no different. Let's see if I can shock you.
1. Go to the bathroom in a timely manner. Seriously, since I was a kid I hated taking time out for this. Now that I'm a bit - ahem - older, I can't play that particular game of Russian roulette, if you know what I mean.
2. Talk to HR about my fuckface boss. I know damn well HR is only there to protect the company but I need to nut up and get something on record if shit goes down. But I don't wanna.
3. Do my physical therapy exercises.
4. Alright, I'm caving. Eat better.
5. Leave more comments on blogs I like. It's the one area I get stupidly shy.

Five things you want to learn
There are too many to list but here's the current things on my radar.
1. Photography
2. Dog training
3. Photography
4. Photography
5. Whistle with my fingers

Five animals you've had as or have pets who impacted you
I like animals more than people. Nuff said.
1. Dogs, especially Casey my baby girl forever, Chance and Ginger
2. Cats - RIP Boo Boo Kitty, love you Rass, you were totally kick-ass, Precious.
3. Hamsters - oh, my first taste of death. How you rocked me to the core.
4. Rats - science experiment that turned out pretty darn cool.
5. I had a horse for about 5 fucking minutes but couldn't keep him because of $$ and I've regretted it ever since. I still love him and always will and wish he'd been mine for all this time because now all I can do is kiss his sweet face.

Five favorite pieces of clothing
1. Black yoga pants.
2. Black yoga pants.
3. Black yoga pants.
4. Pajamas.
5. Latest cleavage top.

Five things you enjoy in the summer
1. Hibernating in my super-air-conditioned house napping and watching bad Lifetime movies with my baby. That's pretty much it.

Five foods you don't like
Well, if you're going to make me narrow it down to 5!
1. Bell peppers - gross, gag, ack, barf, puke. How do people eat that shit?
2. Carrots - raw, semi-raw, semi-cooked, cooked, pureed, sliced, diced, mashed, etc etc etc. NO. Carrot cake. YES. Go figure.
3. Raisins - blech. Chocolate covered raisins. Delightful.
4. Tapioca. Might as well eat a slice of hell.
5. Any meat stranger than chicken, pig or grown cow. No venison, no elk, no buffalo, no lamb, no duck, no shark (for other reasons), no antelope, no game hen, no veal, no Thumper, no snake, no frog, no alligator, no oxtail, maybe quail egg. All sushi exempt.

Five things that are not where they belong
1. My brand new contacts are not in my eyeballs because they are defective and I can't fricken see.
2. I have a crazy space in my second and third teeth from the front. Get back in your right spot, tooth!
3. Whitey and I. Wrong state. SOMEONE BUY MY STINKING HOUSE!!
4. My sacroiliac. WAY out of joint.
5. My bank account. Needs a few more zeroooooooooooooooooooooooooo's.

You are given $50,000 to give to 5 people as $10,000 cash gifts, who and why
1. whitey so he can pay off a dept and breathe a little easier for awhile.
2. My best friend Shawna so she can get on her feet and out of the hood.
3. My parents which could possibly be a loan repayment...
4. A random person sitting on a bus bench. San Diego is not a public transit-friendly city and taking a bus anywhere sucks a special kind of ass.
5. The Humane Society so maybe a few more puppies and kitties could avoid the gas chamber a few more days.

And now I feel a little guilty for my gross theft. Darn being raised by a middle class professional shamer mom.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

I hate summer

Too long days
Traffic jams
Black socks in sandals

Giant spiders
Biting skeeters
Over-exposed love handles

Stupid tourists
Jam-packed crowds
No parking spaces

Crying kids
Slow strollers
Sticky ice cream faces

Crushing heat
Broken bbq grill

Sweaty boobs
Chafing crack
Gigantic AC bill

Hot car
Burning metal
Infected finger splinter

Blistering sun
Sleepless nights
Damn, I miss winter

Thursday, August 02, 2007

I want my M T Very strong drink

I had dinner with a lovely friend of mine last Thursday and while I was sipping on a mojito and waiting for my Miami-inspired Cubanish weirdo chicken salad to arrive my cell phone rang. And I answered it. And it was my best friend Matty. Who then asked me point blank if I was going to his reunion with him or not. Then I blinked twice. Then I whined that I'm a chunker. And he had the nerve to make the tsk sound to me where I then said, alright. Fuck it. I've triumphed over bigger things than my big ass so I'll go. IN 2 WEEKS!!

Then I barfed a mint leaf.

You see, this is not just a friends random high school in Whateverville, US of A. home of the Raging Ratfucks (GO RATS!), it also MY high school with MY old crew of INSANE friends (even though they were 2 years my junior) MOST of whom I've delighted in NOT seeing or thinking about for the last 20 PLUS YEARS. We had, shall we say, theatrical and volatile relationships peppered with wine coolers, clove ciggies and CRAZY. Oh, and did I mention, we were the DRAMA fags?

Yea. We were those kids. And yes we used the term fags. It was the 80's, don't get all up in my grill over it.

We were the overly hormonal insane teenagers who practiced their scene's on the quad and cried at the drop of a wardrobe hat and were vicious, horrible assholes if you got on the wrong side of whatever faction was in control at the time. The ones who would form "I Hate So-And-So" clubs and take the air out of your tires while you innocently sat at a football game watching your team get clobbered by the low-rents from the next town over, and fill your mailbox with a spaghetti dinner complete with meatballs. Yes. These all happened to me.

Although I must admit, I wasn't an innocent victim all the time. I was, hrm, how should I put this? A bitch on wheels with a dyke haircut (before it was a dyke haircut) and a temper that could rival a pissed off cobra with PMS and an infected hangnail. Well, if cobras had nails, which they don't but YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. I was, in fact, (sometimes) very, very mean.

Not like now. I'm a total softy now. Quit gagging at your screen, I'm different. Sorta. I can still tear you a new one but I'd rather have a good laugh and a tight friendship. OK, I still enjoy the occasional idiot beating but I'm not bossy like I was back in high school. Yes. That's the difference. Bottom line, I've always had a low tolerance for bullshit but now I can better harness my super power and use it for good instead of evil.

Oh, who am I kidding. I was kick ass then and I'm kick ass now but now I have more money. Ha ha, I'm kidding. I have grown up and I'd like to think I'm a totally different person. I could be fooling myself but most of the time I think I'm pretty fucking awesome with a good heart, generous nature and fiercely loyal to those I love. Which is probably the same for everyone else but I'm fucking nervous as hell about this stupid party. But, I'm going. With Matty. To his freaking 20-year reunion. Even though I didn't go to my own 20 year reunion 2 years ago just to avoid the trauma that I experienced at my 10 year. But I'll go!! Because, as I've mentioned, I'm a good fucking friend!

Of course I am now obsessed, obsessed with finding the perfect outfit, shoes, accessories, make-up, handbag, underwear, nail polish, weather system, driving music, alcohol compatible drugs, and long term therapist. I'm considering renting a fancy car that probably no one will see. I've given up losing a shit ton of weight in the next 10 days since that would inevitably mean losing a limb, and as chunker as they may be, I like them all.

So I will go. As (thebestofme) is.

I will be brave and smile and crack jokes and try not to get shit faced and finally punch that smarmy bitch Suzy in the neck like she totally deserved for doing that thing with her fat face sister when we were 17. I will smile and try to be funny and know that it is what it is and my life is my life and there are good and bad things in everyone's. And I will try to pretend that no one cares that we're all fat (please god, let some of them be fatter then me) and probably not millionaires and just happy to see each other after all of these years anxious to catch up and trade a few stories.

And please, Jesus, kind and loving God, creator of chocolate & kittens, let there be an open bar.