Thursday, November 13, 2008

A little off the top, please

Personal grooming and how much maintenance you want to do on your own body is up to you. I know it changes with cultures (I'm looking at your hairy armpits, France) and with generations (remember when it was a whispered topic of scandal if a lady colored her hair?) and changes with age (my upper lip is a bit fuzzy, eh, whatever.)

But, I do believe looking good equates to feeling good and letting yourself totally go like a hippie living on a commune using a bucket for a toilet and having dreadlocks down to your taint is unappetizing for everyone. I also understand if a mom is so tired and haggard trying to corral rugrats all day she can't see the point of donning more than sweats that will just be puked on my noon and piling dirty hair into a ponytail, however, looking like you just crawled out of a Walmart hole is not good for you or anyone else. I might not be a supermodel but I'm clean and smell good 99% of the time.

That being said, I have some advice for what not to do concerning hair. These may or may not be from personal and excruciating experience.

Hair coloring:
Do not buy a container of funky hair color and apply it to your dark brown hair without knowing the first fecking thing about the process. Oh, important things like lifting the natural color of your hair before depositing the contents of Paul Mitchell's Cool Blue onto auburn locks which will not be a lovely shade of azure but more like guacamole vomit. Let a professional do what they're trained to do. That's why they get paid good money, to not fuck up your hair. Or be prepared to explain why the bottom 5 inches of your long locks look like toxic waste.

Hair conditioning:
Despite what you might have heard out of the corner of your ear while flipping channels on a hungover Sunday morning smooshing an entire over-ripe banana does not add moisture, shine nor body to your hair. It will, I promise you, disintegrate into a slimy, stinking mess of fruit jizz snot hardening into a quick-set cement causing you to spend the next several days and endless washings trying to get the hot mess off your skull. Save your pennies, buy something from the beauty supply and keep products from the kitchen away from your body.

Hair trimming:
(No, I'm not talking about the hair on your head, I've never in my life cut my own hair because my mother probably threatened me with a slow and painful death if I ever put a pair of scissors near my noggin' and I never wanted it screwed up worse than she did herself when trying to "tidy up my bangs" which always ended up with me crying, her yelling and my hair looking like a fell face first into a fan. I'm talking about downtown.)

Do not use razor sharp nail scissors to trim your trim. I'm a believer in keeping the forest cleared, if you know what I mean. No wild woods on this woman. Sure, when I've been single and going through dry spells I let things get all granola but I prefer not to mess around with all that jazz and I know my partner appreciates it but there are better, safer ways to take care of this if you want avoid the dreaded Brazilian but they don't involve squatting over a cracked mirror and using microscopic but deadly scissors that will catch a chunk of oh-so-delicate skin. And while you're sitting there bleeding all over the bathroom floor wondering how you're going to explain this to the guy stitching you up at the Urgent Care you will regret that decision.

Hair trimming part 2:
Do not use a dull razor to shave your asshole. I believe that is self-explanatory. (And don't get all ew, that chick has hair on her bunghole because ya'll know you have it too. I don't know why God decided your crinkle star needs a few stray hairs in that area but there you have it.)

Hair waxing:
Do not wax yourself. Just don't. Because let me just tell you, if do you choose to do some home waxing with one of those kits where you warm up the goo and try to spread the thick layer of molten lava onto any part of your tender anatomy do not, I repeat, DO NOT wait ONE SECOND longer than the instructions recommend or you will feel an unholy pain that will bring forth salty tears of instant regret and slam your asshole involuntarily shut for at least an hour. And there may be some puking. And bleeding.


krisis said...

I have dark brown hair. Manic Panic was all the rage when I was in high school, and I was convinced if I put blue MP in my hair then my hair would simply turn blue - and, not just any blue, but the exact blue that was in the MP pot. Poof! Just like that.

To say that I misunderstood the fundamentals of hair coloring would be a gross understatement.

Sugapie said...

Crinkle Star...that is the best think I have ever heard in my whole life. You are the raddest EVAH!!

Avalon said...

There are just too many ways that I was all wrong for laughing my way through this.

Curvy girl said...

THANK GAWD!!!!!!!!!

I now know that I am not the only one that suffered through at least one of those indignities.