Thursday, November 08, 2007

Not necessarily...

Wisdom is a good thing. Sage advice is another. Cliché's, eh, maybe. We've all been bestowed with lovely little chestnuts of advisement that when in theory make sense but being the glass-half-empty realist type person that I am I can't help but seeing the flip side to all of these profundities. Not everything should be taken at face value all the time.

Never pass up the opportunity to go to pee.

Except when you're drinking.

Normally this is an extremely important endeavor, especially for chicks. Although I must confess that I don't have the rumored walnut-sized bladder that most girls do. I can really hold my stuff. But I also have an unpredictable system and there are times when my cells decided it's time to shed the water weight at the most inopportune times like when I'm stuck in traffic or in the middle of slamming my boyfriend like a 2 dollar hoor. So normally I'd make this proclamation from the highest peak, except when you're partying.

This is the one time you should forget the fact that you're consuming a liquid dinner and dessert and hold off as long as you can. Once you break that seal you are screwed. Your body is now all WOO HOO, lets eliminate! and you'll find yourself standing in line outside the bar bathroom behind 14 drunk girls who are shouting about the bartender oh my gawd!! isn't he key-oot!! I would toe'ally make out with him!!! while you're fighting the urge to jam your hands down your pants and physically shut off the valve threatening to burst. This will happen every 20 minutes for the rest of the night.

It's the thought that counts.

Unless it sucks.

Sure. Someone remembering your birthday or adding you to their Christmas list is a nice thing. Getting a gift should be appreciated and acknowledged with a thank you at the very least. But let's face it, we've all gotten a present that reeked of crap.

Receiving something hand-made is a sweet gesture and those kinds of things don't count but when you're standing around a plastic 2 foot Christmas tree with your co-workers because your boss thinks it's more important to exchange bullshit tokens at a company sponsored lunch instead of giving bonus's and the sad sack who picked your name out the hat has wrapped a box of stale candy that still has dust on it from sitting on their kitchen windowsill for the 12 months the thought that came with that was shit. Same thing when your (ex) husband decides a Thomas Guide from the gas station he picked up on the way home on your first anniversary is the perfect show of his affection. There was thought there, it just wasn't very nice.

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all.

Jeez. Do I even need to explain this one?

Of course, mouths should be watched and the older I get the more I learn that not saying something is as powerful and important as saying something in warranted situations. Learning how to pick-and-choose your battles is incredibly vital to any person's mental (and sometimes physical) health. As many times as I'd like to tell the chatter sitting behind me in the movies to please STFU before I drown them in my bucket of stale popcorn you never know who's one letter shy of going postal and your moment of bravery gets you shanked with a straw in the middle of an Adam Sandler atrocity, which in itself is a nightmare.

But there is no way that all situations and/or people deserve my silence just because what they need to hear is rough or anything opposite of verbal sugar. Fuck that. If someone is being a dick you should say something. Assholery can't and shouldn't always be ignored. If you're actively trying to eff over me or a friend of mine you bet your sweet ass I'm going to tell you and them about it. I'm not interested in telling someone they look fat in those jeans but no way will I spend my life sensored into Stepfordville. No freaking way.

1 comment:

Avalon said...

Oh. That explains my lack of close friends. i always thought the saying was " if you don't have anything nice to say........go ahead and say it anyway".