Thursday, November 29, 2007

Mind over emotion

I'm totally freaking out.

Like crying, hyper-ventilating, panic-attacking, dizzy-spelling freaking out.

We're putting the house back on the market. And never mind the fact that my new real estate agent is a creepy little weasel man and his associate/assistant is persistent as a raging yeast infection and we have to re-list my home for a disgustingly rock-bottom price because the fucking housing market is being a sullen bitch, the real panic is that WE'RE MOVING.

Oh my fucking gawd. How am I going to do this? How am I going to pack up and leave the only hometown I've ever known? Leave the city I've grown up in? Start all over virtually from scratch? New state, new city, new house, new job, new set of fears, phobia's and anxieties to contend with. There's not enough medication on the West Coast.

I weighed the pros and cons forever before I decided I was ready, although I've never really been ready. I don't do well with change. I don't even like to switch brands of pens, how the fuck do I think I can move 1000 miles north?? But I know I need to do this, for a myriad of very good reasons, intellectually I realize this is something that must be done. But emotionally? I'm screaming on the inside and mentally death-gripping the doorjamb while common sense is trying to shove my fraidy-cat fat ass through it.

And I had made the decision, months ago. I was going to go and was handling it but then the condo didn't sell and we took it off the market and once again I was saddled with tons of mixed feelings because I had been so ready, or rather I was going to fucking do it and get out of here and my window of opportunity for the decision was closed. And now I'm all fucked up about it again!

But I'm also afraid that if I don't do this now, if I don't take this chance and push myself for the experience of it all I'll be stuck in a rut forever and I'm sick of the sound of my own voice complaining about things I have the power to change. But gawd damn, is it ever terrifying. Even after all the research and questions posed to strangers and family and friends and hoping that our choice of new cities will be a good fit, it's still brain-numbing petrifying.

I don't like my job- hate it in fact, I don't have nearly the amount of friends I used to, most of the people I love are peppered all over the country and aren't in my hometown. My best friend here has a chaotic, busy life and we hardly see each other. I've been riding at my barn for 16 years now and it's sort of run its course. I don't love it like I used to and our core group isn't tight like it was 5 years ago.

Whitey and I have out-grown my little 1100 square foot condo and our neighborhood isn't the kind we'd like to live it. Our windows face our neighbors, all of them, so to have privacy we have to be shut up tight as a ducks ass. We spend most of our time working or sitting at home. Our commute sucks giant, sweaty donkey balls and it's so expensive here we're both working paycheck to paycheck. Our Homeowners fees are $375 a month which sort of feels like being rammed in the ass by a Duraflame log come billing time.

The weather sucks for me 8 months of the year, it's starting to smell like Los Angeles on the bad smog days, and we don't have a yard for the dogs we so desperately want and need for our sanity. To do any of the "touristy" things we like to do we have to wait for the off-seasons or we're contending with the million people vacationing here in the summer and escaping snow in the winter. And let's not even talk about fire season.

So why am I being such a pussy about this move??


Avalon said...

Are you coming closer to me?????? Yippeeeee. Can we be BFF??? Minus the Duraflame-log-in-the-ass?

Seriously, if my mother and daughter were not here, i would like to believe that I would move the hell away......and then again, I'd probably plant my ass tighter to this terra-firma and dream about moving away. Until I die.

Anonymous said...

I feel your pain. We had a big move 5 years ago and I was all anxiety and panic. But a course of meds and a few martinis later I couldn't be happier.

Do it.

Lisa said...

It's normal to be ascared of change. BUT (and a big but) DON'T let your fears stop you. It sounds to me like you're ready. Now all you need to do is bury some saint in your yard upside down, and sell your condo. Sending good selling vibes your way ~~~ :)

RED MOJO said...

This is my first time visiting you. I came through Mundane Musings. I grew up the east coast and then lived in Cali for 12 years. Now I'm back in Massachussetts. I love the people, and the architecture, and LOATHE the weather. Good luck with your move. When you get to New York I'm sure you'll find a new use for that Duraflame log!

Dharma said...

Moving is hard. Moving to a new place can be daunting. I moved from NYC to western Massachuetts. Then I moved to California! Where I knew ONE person beside the partner I moved there with! Crazy. Then a few months ago I move to Ohio. I bitched about this part of the country endlessly before actually moving (the move was epic as catalogued on my blog). But I was SO wrong. It's been amazing (also catalogued on my blog). However that doesn't mean it's without it's challenges. But what's life without some upheaval and AFGO (another f*cking growth opportunity). Love ya!

Anonymous said...

Wow, it seems like you answered your own painful question. I've moved more times that I care to remember, each of them awful in it's own special little way. But I couldn't imagine moving now, from our home. Good luck to you and it's Saint Joseph you want to bury in your yard.