Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Pre-holiday hall pass

I had another post up but it's too heavy for a holiday weekend. I'm disappointed about something a "friend" did but meh, it's turkey time and I have a whole pumpkin pie in the freezer all for me. So, instead I will do a meme that I stole from someone who got it from someone else and I know these are relatively lame but it's Thanksgiving, y'all! And a 4 day weekend! And I'm tired! You'll read it and you'll like it! Plus I cut out more than 80% of the questions because they were stupid.

There wasn't a title for this one so we'll have to assume all of these question are preceded by "Have You Ever...", or "Are You That Dumb To Have..., " or perhaps, "Get A Fucking Life You Boring Loser if You Haven't..."

1. Snuck out of the house: Only once but I was old enough to have walked out the front door but my retarded friend Dawn thought it would be "cool" for me to sneak out my window by wrestling the fucking rusted stuck screen off and hurdling over the bushes underneath that subsequently ripped my favorite pair of pants and scratched my virginal vulva.

2. Gotten lost in your city: Are you kidding? I live in one of the largest cities in the country. There are towns and neighborhoods I've never heard of and I've been here for almost my whole life. I've gotten so lost I had to knock on someone's door and have them drive their car with me following in mine to the nearest recognizable street. Tres embarrassing.

3. Been to any other countries besides Canada: Only Mexico which hardly counts since they're practically South California now. (Ooooo, controversial.) I'd love to go to Europe but that would require getting a passport which would take, like, effort, and crossing the ocean in an airplane. And until United Airlines lets me travel in a drug-induced coma I'm not going.

4. Had a serious surgery: 2 of them. My gallbladder in college and my thyroid a few years ago. I spent Spring Break of my senior year having my guts torn out which I still tell people to elicit the mandatory sympathetic "awws" but truth-be-told I would have spent the week playing solitaire at home in front of the TV and fighting with my worthless boyfriend and not flashing cute frat boys in the Bahamas. The thyroid, she was cancerous, and had to come out.

5. Been in a fist fight: Funny thing, I really haven't. As much as I adore intimidation, I don't like physical violence. Usually I have this psychotic reaction to it and start laughing like a crazy person. And the few times I've gotten so mad I could have literally ripped someone's head off and shit down their neck I went blind with fury and scared the crap out of the person I was mad at so they tucked tail and got the hell away from me. My eyes actually change color when I'm that mad, which I've been told is also scary. The only time I could classify an altercation as a fist fight was with my x-husband. I'd been out of town for the weekend and my soon to be ex mother-in-law was watching my dog, or was supposed to, she ended up being out of town too and my crazy soon to be ex-sister-in-law was doing it. My soon to be ex-husband went over to their house and threatened to keep my dog. I hauled ass over there and busted my way through the front door where he tried to tackle me and throw me out and I punched him in the face with my car keys in my hand. Then he picked me up off the ground and kept saying "you hit me, you hit me" and I roared "YOU'RE GOD DAMN RIGHT I HIT YOU NOW PUT ME DOWN!!" Which he promptly did. I pointed my finger in his bleeding face and said "That's the last time. You will NEVER touch me again, motherfucker!" Then I took the dog and left. I was shaken up but it felt great. Kapow! Right in the face. Take that, fucker.

6. Swore at your parents: Oh boy. Here's an uncomfortable memory. There weren't any bad words said in my house. I probably heard my parents swear a handful of times my whole life, well, until recently and now they're semi-potty mouths. Every now-and-then my mother would say someone was an ass, but she didn't and still doesn't say it right and draws out the "a" all wrong. "He was such an aaaaaaaaaaass." It's weird. I always knew that cussing would get an explosive reaction so I didn't do it, until I was about 23. It was Christmas and I was home from college and my dad was out of town, which meant my mother's alternate personality was out and about. The one she reserved just for when we were alone and her set of rules were in force. We got into a YOOG fight over something or other and she crossed the line and said a very hurtful thing to me, as usual. We were already yelling at the top of our lungs so the only trump card I had was swearing, so I screamed, "WELL, MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!!" Then her eyes popped clean out of her head, which was exactly the reaction I wanted, and I stormed out of the house. 1 point for Betty.

7. Been in love: I thought I'd been in love before. But it could only be categorized as crushes, infatuations, insanity, flings, or deep affections, until I met whitey. This is the real deal and my heart still stops when I see him. My stomach does a flip when I think about him. And my soul is full when I touch him. And he has a nice ass.

8. Been skydiving: You are fucked in the head if you think I'd ever go up in an airplane and then jump out of it. Fucked. In. The. Head.

9. Shoplifted: Um, no? Oh, alright, yes. There was a time when I was in high school where I had some pretty sticky fingers. But it was all candy and make-up. Skors were my drug of choice at the time and they were so easy to steal. And I had one of those reversible ski jackets with pockets on both sides. So I'd grab a lip gloss or something and slyly stick it into the inner pocket thinking that if anyone caught me and asked me to empty my pockets I'd pull the big Bambi eyes of innocence and turn my front pockets inside out, showing them they were totally empty. Then I'd be all indignant and pissy and tell them my dad was a lawyer and I might sue from the injustice of it all!! Which was a total lie and so stupid because all they had to do was have me take the jacket off and the shit would fall out onto the floor. So dumb.

10. Slept with a co-worker: Without going into dirty details, yes, a few years ago pre-whitey. It was the intern. 10 years younger. Go me! Ha! Although he sucked at all of it and refused to let me be his "teacher" thus ruining that fantasy for me. Little asshole.

And one for good measure.

11. Fired a gun: I have and I liked it. I've actually fired several different kinds including rifles, but I liked the 38 revolver the best. One day with rednecks in the mountains shooting full cans of beer and clay pigeons and you'll be a convert if you don't like guns now. They are very powerful but also empowering. Just make sure you don't point the thing right at your fucking kneecap when there's still a round stuck in the chamber like someone, that could have been me, did. Will scare the piss right out of you. AND DON'T KILL ANIMALS! OK? OK.

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