Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Order in the court!

I have several addictions. No, Betty, say it ain't so. IT'S SO! Or maybe it's a routine. Yes, let's call it that. When I get home from work I do a few things every day. I strip off my clothes including my medieval torture device bra, undies and socks and put on a t-shirt & yoga pants to free my girls and be comfy. I check my e-mail, eat some cheese, then turn on the TV and tune into something mindlessly entertaining before a few sitcom-reruns and until prime-time starts at 8:00 where I will have to invest energy because dayum, Lost is hectic and American's Next Top Model is too fabulously insane to be a zombie through.

What I watch during this un-wind time usually changes from year to year. For awhile I was into Wheel of Fortune. Vanna White is an alien, no mistakes about it, but Pat Sajak is funny as hell and you can just tell he's fighting himself every night from working totally blue with his jokes. Someday I would love to hear that he's finally busted out an f-bomb on air. "No you fucking idiot, you can't buy an S, can't you see there's already 3 fucking S's on the fucking board?"

And this is pretty much why I gave up on this one because it pissed me off every time some idiot would buy a vowel and unnecessarily spend money when it was so obvious what the vowel would be.


Some idiot; "I'll buy an 'E', Pat."

What? WTF? You bought an "E"?!? You idiot! You deserve to lose $500 for that move. Stupid idiot. Then I'd get all yelly and red and a wee bit beyond reasonably upset, so, I had to give it up.
Then I watched Jeopardy for a bit and was always so proud of myself when I knew an answer and the eggheads didn't. I will boast and tell you that twice, twice, in my life I got the big money final jeopardy answer correct and none of the contestants did. Yea, that's right. I'm a jeeneous. Then whatshisface's snarky mid-show interviews got boring and there's only so many times I can watch nerds get excited over Quantum Theories of Russian existential Poets Starting with 'Z'. So I gave that up, too.

Sometime this year when I started getting home earlier than I used to I got hooked on People's Court with Judge Marilyn Milian. She is brilliant. A feisty Latina of Cuban decent (she talks about this a lot) who's always hissing some totally bizarre Spanish saying when it's warranted, as she leans over her desk and points her finger right at a defendants face making them wince with shame. Then she tells you in English what she just said in Spanish and it never packs the same punch through the translation. "The hammer of the striker is always weaker than the nail of the hammers hammer, is." But she's still great.

As much as I love Judge Marilyn with her red lipstick and sassy ways, my heart belongs to another robed firecracker that I've been devoted to for going on 2 years now.

Judge Judy. Sigh. Judge Freakin' Judy.

I luh her. She scares the living piss out of me but I luh her a lah. You do not want to fuck with Judge Judy. She will eat you up and spit you out then put you back together than chew you up again and force you to eat your own mangled remains. She will sport laser beams from her eyes and burn holes into your skull. She will verbally kick your ass so hard your mother will feel it. She will make you suffa. She will make you cry.

I don't know who she thinks she fooling with that little dainty doily collar she's got on her robe because she's about as similar to a sweet old granny sitting in a rocking chair as a spitting cobra is to a baby bunny. And I cannot fathom why anyone would sign up for and voluntarily take their case in front of her. She doesn't care if you have a Matterhorn's worth of rock-solid evidence against the person you're suing, if you've done something dumb she will widen her crazy eyes, draw her head back then snap it forward at you and scream "YOU. AH. STUPID!!"

And if you try, oh my god, to lie to her she will rip your head off, put her high heel through it, take a crap into the open cavity then instruct Byrd to give it back to you. And speaking of Byrd, he's awesome in his own right too. It cracks me up the way he acts so fucking uninterested and unimpressed with every single dipshit that comes into that courtroom. The way he slowly saunters over to a plaintiff with a grimace of total distaste on his face then never, ever makes eye-contact while lazily outstretching his hand, just out of reach so they have to lean over, to take their evidence. Fargin' slays me.

Case as case after case it's the same thing. Unprepared people (Ah doan hab it wit me, ya onna) hicks who've made 5 kids by the time they're 22 (his father is one of 4 guys for sure, judge), and women giving loser men all of their money (but I loved him). And peppered in-between are a bunch of interesting suits that are so weird or juicy you can't wait to see how she'll rule, what she'll say, and who will leave the courtroom a bloody mess. It's fantastic!

And anyone who picks a book title like this one is a QUEEN in my world.


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