Friday, November 24, 2006

Black Friday of death

Never again. Never EVER again.



Never, ever, no way in fucking hell I'd rather have a pap smear with a dirty popsicle stick given by Kevin Federline on a stage in front of 100 prison inmates than go shopping the day after Thanksgiving.

At five oh my god clock in the morning.

What was I thinking? I'll tell you what I wasn't thinking. I wasn't thinking that half the fucking people in this fucking city would also be stupid like me and getting up at the insane hour of 4:30 to hit stores opening at 5:00. That I didn't count on.

And I certainly didn't imagine in my wildest, retarded dreams that people would be camping out at some of these stores all night waiting to save $29.95 on a god damn off-brand computer monitor! I thought the only freaks who still did that were hard-core music fans trying to get some coveted concert tickets and nerds waiting for the newest version of whatever gaming device being released that would insure their celibacy and large waistlines for another year.

I'm am stupid. That's all I can say. I AM STUPID. So, so stupid. Stupid like I need to wear a helmet, stupid. Stupid like if everyone in a 10 miles radius screamed "YOU ARE STUPID" in unison then took turns bitchslapping my face I'd take it because it's well deserved today.

After going to bed a little before 1:00 this morning I kept waking up all 4 freaking hours I was in bed, in anticipation of needing to get up early for this little shopping plan of mine because that's how my stupid brain works. At 4:30 I gave up and got up. I splashed some water on my face, got dressed, said goodbye to the cat who had a "wtf are you doing up" look on her face and set out into the darkness.

My eyes could barely adjust and my body kept saying, "Why? Why are we up? Why aren't we in bed you stupid, stupid woman? I'm going to make you pay for this later, stupid" My first stop being Best Buy to hopefully get a little 15" flat screenTV for the kitchen. Because that's what one should be spending their money on at Christmas.


And I knew they only had 10 per store. I knew that. I knew it would be a crap shoot to actually get one. But please, I couldn't even get into the store to find out that I was stupid to think there was a chance in hell there would be one left on the shelf. There were so many people lined up when the doors opened they had to have multiple police cruisers to control the crowd. Iknew this because I heard one say to the other "They only called us over hear to control the fucking crowd." He wasn't happy about being up either.

I decided to give it a try anyway so when my "group" was finally let in I took about 10 steps into the store, saw my TV was long gone and got the hell out of there. I made my way past the trash and piss left by the campers and headed for my next stop.


Now it's 5:40 and I'm standing in line, in the dark, with other people in front of Linens-n-Things to buy a fake Christmas tree. Which I hurt my back trying to haul into my cart and even after a nice man helped me I ended up ditching the whole thing in the bedding isle because when I saw the fake Christmas tree I didn't like the fake Christmas tree as the lights were not strung to my standards. Because when I'm investing in a fake Christmas tree I don't want the illumination to look like it was done by a drunken, blind toddler. My priorities are totally straight.


After I took care of my red gas light I headed to Target. The sun was coming up but since I feel physically sick at the sight of any sunrise, because my body knows I should be asleep in bed and punishes me with nausea, I didn't care. Again, evidence of campers was strewn across the ground. Blech. When I walked in there were no carts to be had. No carts? Don't they have like 1000 of those things? And that's when I saw the check-out lines. Oi vey. That's all I can say.

I decided to stick it out for awhile because this is my house of worship and I knew I could find some things I needed and hopefully find some presents. I was meandering around when I spied a sales tag for a DVD player for the astounding price of $24.97. But of course since 8 million people had been there for 29 minutes already they were all gone. Dammit.

That's when I spied a lone cart with no obvious owner sitting in front of the soap with one of the cheapy cheap DVD players in it. Oooo, I thought, I WANT that. I have to HAVE it. So I hung around for a minute trying to look all sly and innocent, intently studying the Dove body wash until I thought the coast was clear.

Then I threw my stuff in the cart and took off. HA!! I got it! I totally snaked someone's cart and DVD player. But it had been abandoned anyway, right? HA!! I got the last one! I RULE. Or so I thought until I was on my way to the checkstands and saw a GIANT stack of the damn things sitting by the fucking candy.

I AM STUPID. And apparently a thief.

I made a few more stops and after having an hour-long hotflash in one store decided to hit my last retail establishment of the day and go the farg home. A new Bed Bath and Beyond had opened up somewhere in my town and armed with the semi-confusing map I'd gotten in the mail I headed in the direction I thought it was. Please notice my use of the word "thought". Also, see my post from 11/22. I was not lying.

After driving around for a half an hour, making an illegal U-turn and attempting another one in front of the cop, I finally pulled over to see if I could figure it out or just bail and go home. And that's when the officer who'd obviously seem me and my stupid ass driving in circles pulled up along side my car and rolled down his window.

Oh please oh please, I prayed, don't nail me for my burned out brake light. But I got lucky and he didn't. He knew I was lost and was a totally nice guy and didn't make fun of me when I told him where I was trying to go. I finally made it, hit my shopping and energy wall and went the hell home. I got a few good decorations, a few things we needed, a few presents, and big fat lesson on what NOT to do EVER AGAIN.

I've felt like shit warmed over the entire day and was finally told to GO TAKE A NAP by whitey when I was on hour 2 of whining and aimlessly wandering around the house bugging him because my brain turned into moldy cheese sometime around 9:00 this morning. Now it's going to take me all damn weekend to get back to my normal but first? I'm doing it all again tomorrow. Because...


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