Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Livin' la vida bullshito

Hey little bunny. Awww, aren't you cute? Look at your floppy ears and your cute fluffy tail and those little beady eyes...and um...those sharp pointed fangs? Hey! Wait a minute! You're not a bunny! You're a big old ugly snake!!

I'm sure we've all encountered these kinds of people. The ones who present themselves as one thing and in reality are something completely different? Most of time we think of this as the wolf in sheeps clothing. I prefer the bunny analogy, since it more gender nuetral. And being of the chick persuasion, I've had more dealings with bullshitting bunnies than wily wolves anyway.

I'm speaking individuals who will use you for their own gain, taking any and all advantages that they can. But there are different kinds of false personas and it's important to watch out for all of them, because they are sneaky my friends, they are sneaky. And you'll eventually have the bite marks to prove it.

The Smarmy Egomaniac is fairly easy to spot. They go on endlessly about themselves and embellish with abandon. They'll never ask you how you are but upon meeting will immediately go into a 4 part series of their latest accomplishments. You'll find yourself involuntarily rolling your eyes enough to cause an astigmatism. This person will throw you away like a used condom in a frat house. They'll empty their greedy heads into you until you're full, then move on to the next receptacle. Tread carefully.

Then there's the Charmer. They will focus almost exclusively on you. They'll ply you with compliments so outlandish you'll probably question them at first, but then it'll become like a smooth stroke down your back. You'll hardly notice after time. They're like one of those worms that slowly screws into your skin. They’ll give you gifts for what seems like no reason. They’ll pay for dinner, for the movies, for the wine.

And they’ll say they want nothing in return, but they do. They want everything in return. They want your soul. These individuals set such absurdly high standards you can’t possibly ever treat them as they treat you, and you’ll pay the price for that. You’ll soon learn they’ve set you up for failure, and placed all blame on your shoulders. Attempting to buy love with false hope. These people are broken and insecure, and could be crazy. Tread lightly.

This person is rare, but does exist. Mr/Ms Nothin' Bother's Me. The one who doesn't care about anything. Maybe taking the stand that they don’t let shit get them down. Let it all roll down their back. Don't sweat, well, any stuff. The eletcric bill didn't get paid? Whatever, light a candle. Walked in on their man fucking another woman, eh, have a nice life. They can be so laid back any shitty situation is livable.

Even though they tend to be the least offensive of the fakers, they can be a bomb waiting to go off. When finally that ignored stressor crushes the zen, they blow, like the feather that lands on the trigger. Picture a former CEO from the gated community now a postal worker in a trailer. Tread quietly.

Perhaps the most untrustworthy person of all presents with perjured perfection. The Phoney Faker Full of Shit. They promote themselves as golden children. With unblemished lives, utopian relationships, successful careers, mindful children. They feign not just a neutral stance in every debate, but display a great displeasure at the tension, when in reality they're lapping it up like a kitten on a teat. They brag about how nice they are. How they could never do anyone wrong.

No one has a life unmarred by strife. No one is that amiable. No one has zero worries. No one likes everyone. No one.

I don’t trust these people as far as I could throw them, and believe me, I’d like to throw them. Into a pit of broken glass. I don't put credence into anyone who doesn't have an opinion. I don't give merit to anyone who attempts to sway others with such a false persona in order to be liked. In my book, you might as well be standing in a wax museum between Elvis and Dolly Parton's tits. Because you're about as real.

In my experience, this is the most dangerous of all. These people with gleaming smiles on their faces and crossed fingers behind their backs. Their closets jammed full of skeletons wearing pretty party dresses and paper hats. Throwing a rose-colored shroud over your eyes. What they really are are smug, narcissistic vipers with hidden agenda's and poisonous mouths.

Don't tread, just run. Because eventually, they will try to fuck you over. With a grin of innocence on their face.

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