Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Cerulean clouds

And then she was depressed.

I'm tired and I'm tired. The sneaky epiphany I had a few weeks ago seems to have dissipated. I got the bad news of "The Shadow" and later that day, as I was driving to the grocery store, of all things, a peace washed over me. It was a lovely cool breeze wafting over my face and I felt the tension I was carrying melt away. Life is good. I'm not going to be scared anymore. And everything's going to be OK. Today? Not so much.

Despite the every-day and not-so-everyday hassles and pressures of all the crap I have to deal with, I was hanging tough. Holding steady and still feeling that sense of calm. Monday my car got smashed. I was still alright, reasonable and forgiving, confident all would be taken care of in due time. Then I went to bed.

What is it about that midnight turnover from one day to the next that changes it all? Was it the muscle relaxer I took to quell my angry neck, pissed off from being whipped around like a lariat that altered my brain? Was it the fucking cat who tried to climb onto my guts all night long? The dream (nightmare) I had where I was forced to get back together with my x-husband? Was it the stupid earthquake that woke us up at 4:10 in the morning that has left me shaking long after the earth stopped?

I'm not sure. But I'm blue. Pissy. Depressed. Bummed. Overwhelmed. Depleted. Worried.

I believe everything happens for a reason. Man, I wish someone would come up with a better phrase that isn't so barfingly over-used and eye-rolling cliché now. But it's true. I believe there is a lesson to be learned from everything that happens to us and every path we choose. I'm not a "why me?" person. Most of the time I say, well, of course me! Sometimes that's self-deprecating, sometimes it's pathetic, sometimes it makes me stronger.

But right now? I'm not seeing the reason for this latest turn of events. I have medical bills coming out of my ass. I'm quickly getting into a position where I won't be able to purchase the drugs I need to stay alive. I'm once again hurt, not badly, but being woken up in the middle of the night with shoulder cramps sucks. My car might be totaled and I can't afford another one. I spent the entire day yesterday making phone calls, begging for discounts, understanding, and more time. And I'm really, really scared this new mind-set I was thoroughly enjoying is gone forever.

I won't even go into interpersonal drama's. Good God. Do those ever stop?

We all know what happens when the depression train is chugging down the tracks. Its black smoke clogging the skies. It causes a vortex that sucks every crappy, negative thing with it. It's not enough to be dealing with a potential cancer recurrence, and now this car accident, but I'll roll this snowball of shit into a Guinness Records sized orb that contains the most legitimate and important down to the inconsequential and dumb. For instance, my smile is a little bit teeny tiny on one side crooked. Don't think I didn't spend a good hour beating myself up for that one.

So dumb...

Intellectually, I know this all will pass. Everything will be OK. In the scheme of things, it's not that bad. I'm still lucky and grateful. I just wish I could get this soaking wet, stinking wool coat of gloom lifted off my throbbing shoulders.

p.s. Even though you're technically working, have a good time in Vegas, baby. I'll miss our daily e-mails. Be safe. -frown-

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