Sunday, January 30, 2005

Weekend Movie Reviews

I'm a total movie hound. One of my very favorite things is spending quantity time on my big comfy couch watching flicks. The kitchen stocked with provisions, me draped in yoga pants, braless (ah, the splendor of tits unleashed) and wasting the day away turning my brain to mush. I used to love going to the theater too. Before it cost the equivalent of a black-market kidney and you had to share personal space with humans.

Therefore, I subscribe to Netflix. I'm a supreme golden medallion member who pays for the privilege of viewing 5 whole movies at a time. Jealous yet? Best invention ever. Whoever came up with that idea deserves to be wiping their ass with 20 dollar bills. This affords me the pleasure of seeing all the movies, TV shows and documentaries my heart desires. That and I don’t have a fucking life so it keeps me from spending money I don’t have at Target on my 457th pair of clearance sweats and spending endless, obsessive hours opening and closing the fridge waiting for something edible to magically appear.

Therefore, I thought I would grace everyone with my astute ascertations and reviews of the movies I enjoyed, endured or loathed, over my semi-boring weekend. Warning: I give away spoilers. So if you don’t want to know details, endings and stupid secrets, skip these posts. And don’t e-mail me crying that I told you who done done it. So, forget those thumbs up/thumbs down bastards. I took Lit & Film in High School and Cinema 101 in junior college so I know what I’m talking about. And I’m right. So there.

The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagment
Whoever thought it necessary to add the caveat to this movie must have assumed the only people willing to watch this total piece of crap were brain-damaged children. Oh wait, that’s an oxymoron. Hmmm, was there anyone who didn't see the ads for this movie? I didn't think so. And don’t ask me why I rented it. The first one was cute. So shut up. And I’m a 17 year old trapped in a 37 year old’s body. So shut up. And it was about a princess. SO SHUT UP.

Anyway…this extended retarded sitcom was 90 minutes of crap. And the clothes weren’t even good! The plot was weak and they managed to plunge romance and women’s lib 800 years backwards with the “law” that our princess of Crapistan, or wherever, must marry another royal within 30 days. What? She manages to pick someone and receive a ring within a week. What? Invitations go out the next day. WHAT?

This stupid movie trips all over itself with sub-plots and scenes that go beyond suspended disbelief into improbable land. Really, really bad improbable land without anything redeeming like R.O.U.S.’s. There were about 9 million scenes and most of them didn't make any sense. A slumber party with mattress surfing. 10 minutes of mattress surfing. And a floor show. Huh?They even added a standard poodle, the dog of the dev-ile, and gave it more screen time than Julie Andrews. This is Mary Fucking Poppin’s people! YOU DON’T SHAFT MARIA FUCKING VON TRAPP!!

Here’s your choice. A frontal lobotomy or an hour and half out of your life screening this total poo.

I give it 1 ½ boogers out of 4. (Due to my system locking up and me losing my original Movie Review post (grr and god damn) when I tried to download a picture, you will be spared a photo of actual boogers or my original choice of Mickey Mouse flipping you off. Bummed, aren’t ya?)

Cellular
I had actually read some reviews of this movie hoping to hear that it was total shit and I’d move on to something that actually took brain power like an indie film about a dwarf with a foot fetish. But alas, a few Netflix viewers liked it so I got it.

It wasn’t that bad. I was actually drawn into the movie pretty quickly and they didn’t torture you with 2 hours of Kim Basinger crying into the phone. I swear. What is wrong with that woman? Is she hired solely on the fact that she can vibrate at will? That chick is like a human Chihuahua.

I liked the fact that they had her kidnapped right away. No fuckin around. Straight to the good stuff. And she tried to kick one of the kidnappers asses. Ass? Assi? She held her own pretty well. She even whacked one of them and the look of surprise on his face was priceless. I love it when a mother pulls the mama grizzly bear thing. The whole phone call thing was so unlikely I had to roll my eyes, but whatever. This wasn't Schindlers List.

William H. Macy was an odd choice as the come-to-the-rescue cop. And his talent was way beyond this bit of action-packed fluff. But the young dude was fucking hot and I enjoyed his eye candy immensely. There were a few good one-liners and enough blood to keep me satisfied. Even though I was ready for this one to wrap it up about 20 minute before they did. It wasn’t that bad.

I give it 3 boogers. It would have been 3 ½ if I had been drinking and if they’d let the cute guy be shirtless for a little longer. I was so robbed.

The Village
I mainly rented this one because of the hype surrounding the director, who seemed to get more attention than the movie itself. And his name is fun to say. I’ve been repeating is all day. Say it with me now. M. Night Shyamalan. Phoenetically, Shamalan. Shamalan Shamalan. Shaaaaaamaaaaalaaaaaaan. Shamalamadingdong. Fun, no?

Here’s another one that got thrashed by the reviewers. I disagreed with them, until the end. And then it all went to hell in a Hunt. William Hunt, that is. I was wondering what happened to him. Apparently he’s behind on a few mortgage payments, is what I think. And Billy, when you’re losing your hair, do not perm the wispy, receding top. Just makes your head look like a blond crotch.

The film flowed nicely and the scenes were stylish. The plot line was very clever and could have really packed a punch, if it hadn’t completely fallen apart in its ending. I was convinced this was all taking place 200 years ago and was surprised when I found out otherwise.

There were some really big names in this one, including a mentally warped character played by Adrian Brody that was just plain weird. I must say, I’m not a fan and couldn’t help but smirk when he bought it in a sink hole. Joaquin Phoenix played yet another low-talker sans emotion. Wow Joaquin, way to stretch.

All the elders have secrets (don't they always?) and they send the blind girl into the dreaded forest to get help. The fucking blind girl? And damn if she doesn’t come through, running through the forest at top speed. I can’t even walk to my car without tripping and the blind girl is sprinting over logs. Going against my claim to be a squealer, I’m not going to give away all the secrets to this one. Go see it yourself. But if you’re up for a true horror flick, this won’t satisfy your craving for severed heads and pig’s blood on the prom queen. It’s a direction the director should have gone, but Shyamalan blew chunks.

Shamalan. Shamalan. I can’t stop.

I give it 2 ½ boogs.

Dummy
Haven’t watched it yet since it has Adrian Brody in it and I can’t stomach watching Mr. Bird Beak twice in one weekend.

10 comments:

Ginny said...

Thank you for those informative and entertaining reviews.

Instead of renting movies, I pay an arm and a leg for 20 HBO channels. It makes me watch things I wouldn't normally, thus expanding my limited horizons. For example, Lord of the G strings has been playing. Who knew a soft core porn flick could entertain me for 10 minutes?

FlowerPowerGoddess said...

Even with 500 digital channels, I still do Netflix (5 eh? you bitch!). 500 channels gives me RCADD , Remote Control Attention Deficit Disorder, where I endlessly change channels fearing I am missing something. So DVD's is a much better choice for me ;-) Now give me back my yoga clothes!

Hey Ginny, you missed Monkeys Gone Wild? LOL!
-H

whitey said...

I caught the first 20 minutes or so of Lord of the G-Strings a while back...it was the most Botarded thing I've ever seen in my life.

Bitter Betty said...

ginny - You are very welcome. I have 8 HBO channels, 9 if you count the Spanish one, and there's rarely anything worthwhile on. There's only so many times a person can see Bull Durham before you want to poke Susan Sarandon's big bug eyes with a pencil.

fg - You ain't getting nothing back! HA! Now hand me the remote.

whitey - I trust your judgment with porn, but I must say...I'm now intrigued. Or horny. My bet's on horny. GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE!!

Inanna said...

*mouth hanging open* Just finished reading your cancer series to date and I'm just shocked and amazed at your incredible fortitude and even more so with the fact you didn't kill one of those people that calls themself a doctor. Disgusting treatment you received. Made me want to be there for you.

Bloomin' Onionhead said...

Hey, how did you become a supreme golden medallion member???? I'm a netflix whore (blockbuster can kiss my flat ass) and I only get three at a time.

I haven't seen any of these movies, but your reviews are titillating and insightful. The booger ratings really helped me put things in perspective. I'm watching Dodgeball tonight, have you seen it, and if so, how many boogers does it get?

Bitter Betty said...

inanna - Hi! Thanks for stopping by. Yea, I've run into some major tools who have no business having people in their care. I can't even write about it all at once, it's too much. I'll linky you today. :)

bloomin' - I'm glad someone is appreciative of the boog scale. I can't recommend Dodgeball enough. I'd give it 5 snotballs if my scale went that high. I actually bought that movie as soon as it came out and laugh like I'm huffin' a bag full of spraypaint. 2 tits up my friend. Let me know what you think.

AL said...

I'm totally agreeing with your statement about the Princess Diaries 2: whatever it's called, blah blah engagement or something. I got dragged along to see it with my retarded friends, and came to the realization that I would've had more visual entertainment staring up onto the roof of a tanning bed whilst screaming and trying to get out considering some asshole has locked me in. Marvelous.

Becka said...

I saw Garden State! I loved it :)

The dog whacking himself off was hilarious.

Bitter Betty said...

al - I feel your pain dude. We shouldn't even admit to seeing that one. And thanks for stopping by!

becka - I told you!!