I'm in a give up mood again. I don't really know where these things come from. What the particular trigger is I could look out for and dodge. Pulling a screaming serpentine down the street to avoid the shit-storm. They make me feel overwhelmed and restless and my skin is ready to slide right off my body and go take a Hawaiian vacation without me.
I battle with depression and hormones and today they're winning. My rifle is jammed and my helmet is dented. My new orders haven't come through and I'm stuck in this foxhole fantasizing about crawling through the muck, escaping across a foreign border where no one knows me and people wear funny pants.
This dark cloud hanging over my head is annoying and threatening. Causing a ripple effect of irrational thought. Today I don't like my earlobes again. Yea, cause that's important. I also worry that anyone witnessing another one of my "moods" will respond with irritation that they might be obligated to deliver yet another, "no, you do not completely suck you idiot" monologue with restrained disdain. So, my tact is to try and become invisible. -you can't see me- Is it working?
Or I could do something wild and crazy, although I'm a lazy tool and it probably will never happen. At sporadic intervals, I ponder with the idea that I'll run out and get an elaborate tattoo or dye my hair bright purple. Neither would bode well since I have trouble picking out a simple brand of peanut butter therefore the prospect that I'd be able to choose a design or figure to be permanently burned into my skin is somewhere around 0%. And I have very long prone-to-tangles hair, not to mention that I work in a professional environment and it would finally give them a legit reason to can my grumpy ass.
I'd close my eyes and put my finger to a map, buy a plane ticket to the random destination and just disappear forever. But I'm so fucking (occasionally), responsible I couldn't worry my parents, friends, or cats. Nix that idea too.
I could try and turn this crap around by giving more of myself. But fuck that. I've been working on my Karma for years and where has it gotten me? Zilch, nada, bubkiss. I try and try and try to do nice things for people and I get continually shit on. Which supports the notion that there's no such thing as pure altruism, which concludes that yes, indeed, I am a selfish prick and shouldn't expect anything in return for my generosity. But fuck. Sometimes it would be nice to be recognized just a damn little for something huge you've done for a person.
Bottom line is, I can't escape from myself. From this stupid fucking condition I have to fucking deal with and hear about 50 times a day. My life does not suck and people do love me. I know this too shall pass.
This too shall fucking pass.
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3 comments:
I'f only you weren't invisible, then I could just watch you in your .... what the fuck? Sorry, stupid fucking songs get stuck in my head really easily! Anyhow, like I was saying... if I could see you then I would say, I'm sorry you are having a crappy day. I hope for a better tomorrow for you.
Lois Lane
(without even the slightest hint of a trace of smidgen on the mote of a speck of disdain)
I am extremely and infinitely thankful for everything you've done for me. Most notable, though are the intangible things...love, honesty, respect, laughs, insight, support and belief...life.
More importantly, I'm profoundly and everlastingly thankful that you exist. Okay, maybe that's not a favor but someone had to have had me in mind when it happened. How else could you be what I consider to be such sheer perfection?
yo BB...i wish i had your life...you're in love, live in Cali, and you write one of the, if not THE best rant on the web...if you really want to know what misery road is like then come join me in my stairwell for a round of late-night Ultimate Shrewhead...WHACK! kerplunk, kerplunk...egads!
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