Monday, May 07, 2007


So, in the scheme of things I suppose this doesn't really rate high on the scale of horrible maladies and debilitating afflictions, rendering me on some disabled list unable to function or go about my day but it's annoying and permanent, which in itself is disturbing, and big fat fucking bummer to boot and harasses the holy heck out of me and I'm sure someone would agree it could warrant if not time off for stress related Betty bugging shit at least lots of sympathy and a few pretty presents of a sparkly nature.

I have eye floaties.

I've had one in my right eye for as long as I can remember and that was bad enough then last summer I was driving home in the bright Southern California sunshine and it looks like there was a dark hair on my sunglasses but it sort of moved diagonally towards my nose and I thought, well wtf is that?

It didn't go away and actually got worse and I was due for an eye exam so I went and said, hey doc, there's a huge effing wrinkle-type thing on my left eyeball and I think my brain has torn and gotten loose in my eyeball liquid and surely I must go on disability for a couple of years because obviously I can't be expected to work with random and occasional semi-microscopic disturbances across my vision.

The doc said no.

The doc said this was normal and nothing to worry about and nothing she could do. So I kicked her in the box and left.

Then last December I'm visiting my best gay boy Matty in San Francisco and we're lounging around in his expensive thousands of dollars bed with the 800 thread count sheets reading and recovering from our shenanigans the previous night and all of a damn sudden a NEW floatie went zooming across my left eye that was already crippled by the brain wrinkle so that is NOT FAIR that it got ANOTHER chunk of junk bobbing around in there.

The Hell?

So in the span of a completely unfair and retardedly short period of stupid time I went from one vitreous swimmer to two, one in each eye with a giant slash too that happens every time I drive. Every time I drive. Over and over and over.

I came across a bit of information recently that suggested that if you look up they can momentarily go away so now whenever my horizon is nearly blinded and disturbed by this detritus debris I do this routine;


Blink harder.

Smash eyes together.

Open eyes really wide.

Look up, look down, look up, look farther up.


Blink blink.

Repeat. All day.

So many times during my waking hours I look like a fun-house freak a few seconds away from biting the head off a chicken and stretching my neck a foot in either direction with meat hooks.

This clearly this warrants taking a year off of work, no? Yea, I thought so, too.

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