Mom! I finished my homework!

The lovely Leslie was given 5 questions to answer and after I piped up begging to play, she graciously sent me 5 of my own to ponder. I usually don't participate in these meme (is that the correct usage of this stupid word that I don't know how to pronounce. Is it memm? M'em? Mee-mee? Fuck, I don't know. Stupid made-up internet word.) things, but Leslie is one smart cookie and I likes her. Check out her blog. It's a breath of fresh air when your world is stanky and she loves animals as much as me.

1. You have the opportunity to enact three laws. What are they?

This one was actually very hard for me and I'm sure I haven't given it nearly as much thought as I should have. But here goes.

Law # 1 - I would legalize prostitution but make sure this profession was handled like they do it at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch in Nevada. The girls are protected and safe with every conceivable protection at their fingertips, not to mention mandatory. It's a controlled environment of consenting adults and that's how it should be. The girls are there because they want to be and make a substantial amount of money. People should not be arrested for having consentual sex, if they are of legal age. It's just stupid.

Law # 2 - I would make animal abuse laws much stricter and perhaps painful. Anyone who is capable of hurting, torturing or abusing an animal should not get a light slap on the wrist with a minimal fine. They should get a taste of the pain they inflincted on the animal, say starving them until they can't lift their heads or tied to a tree in a backyard through the winter. At the very least, substantial jail time and lose every fucking thing they have. I feel very strongly about this one.

The ASPCA and Humane Society should get all the money from the government that goes towards developing chemical warfare and federally supported testing such as how many eyelashes the average person has. I'd rather have my money going towards something honorable and overly-necessary like animals in need.

Law # 2 - I think sexual predators should be phsycially castrated (chop it OFF) and medically altered (we're talking drooling zombies here) and put on an island surrounded by man-eating sharks (and giant killer jelly fish). Child molesters cannot be cured. They cannot be rehabilitated. And even if they can be successfully integrated back into society, there is more and more evidence showing that these people are not wired correctly. Even if they can control their actions, the urges never go away. They cannot be trusted around children or anyone for that matter if they're a rapist. They need to be banished. Off my planet, fuckwad!

2. What was the last kindness shown to you by a stranger or someone you don't know very well?

I have a customer who sent me a beautiful card in a business package last week. It was such a nice gesture I literally teared up. The note inside was very heartfelt and sincere and it was nice to be reminded that there are people out there who care, remember, and get it. She knows and understands about the healing I'm looking for and wished me just that. It was a simple act of kindness but meant so much. It's now on my bulletin board prominently displayed and I will extend the same generocity towards another person. It might be in the form of not hitting you, but hey! That would be darn nice of me!

3. Who has influenced you the most positively in your life -- I wanna know how they did and if they are still a part of your life.

This one is very tough. I've had so many people in my life who have lifted me up and taught me important lessons. But if I had to choose one today, it would have to be my first riding instructor in college. I was 21 or 22 and only had a few short and painful rides on horseback, mostly involving me getting on and promptly falling off. I'd been raised by my loving (and paranoid) father to fear horses. When I signed up for the riding course at my university I couldn't even feed a horse a carrot. A chickenshit was I.

Laura was the Basic Equitation instructor. Her tight, sunburned and weathered face betrayed her easy smile and friendly demeanor. The first day of class I cracked a joke that went over well and I can't help but think that might have been what endeared her to me strait-away. For some reason I became teacher's pet, which was ironic since I knew jack shit about horses. Laura saw something special in me and with her quiet way, instilled a confidence I'd never had before. I felt calm around her. A type of quiet fearlessness I'd rarely had.

Whenever Laura needed some task completed, she called on me. A spooky horse needed a walk, Betty got the job. A horse with enough energy to gallop from California to New York? Betty will work him out in the bull-pen. The killer horse who hated people needed a rider? Betty'll do it.

These weren't menial tasks or grunt work that Laura asked me to do. They were dangerous endevors, always important and Laura needed someone she could trust. She never had to look into my eyes and say "you can do this", I just knew I could. She radiated confidence right into me and I've always appreciated that. I was forever changed by that experience and how Laura treated me. I'm truly not articulating this the way I'd like to, but it was an unspoken thing, so maybe it doesn't need any more words than I've already said.

Laura left my school before I graduated. And truthfully, I only took one more riding class for fun then had to concentrate on my major and drinking as much beer as I could shove down my gullet. But I've never forgotten those 2 quarters and how they affected me forever. Laura is a person I go to in my head when I need a dose of tenacity. I'll be forever grateful to her and think of her often when I'm riding now.

4. What are you most passionate about? What makes your heart soar and your soul dance?

Man, Leslie, give me the hardest, thought-provoking questions in the whole wide world why dontcha! If we're talking about a profession, I'm extremely passionate about Human Sexuality Education. It's the career path I plan on taking as soon as I get an all-clear with this cancer shit. I think it's so important to teach kids all aspects concerning the most important subject on earth, and not just how their plumbing works. But I'll save that speech for another time.

I'd have to say the thing I'm most passionate about and that makes my heart soar is animals. I like them better than people. Sometimes I get shit for saying that, but fuck itm it's true. Animals aren't judgemental, well, except for cats, and they love you unconditionally. Once again, except for cats. I'e never felt more love for anything in the world than my dog Casey. Hear that cats? I loved a dog best of all. Ha!

Some of the most amazing experiences of my life have been with an animal of some kind. From coyotes to killer whales. Life-alterting, amazing, take-your-breath-away-you-probably-wouldn't-even-believe-me-anyway encounters.

I'm a spoiled little Princess Crankypants as my parents live in Yellowstone. So I get to go up there anytime I want and frolic in the forest and molest the wildlife. I'm always thrilled by every creature I see and have about 40 blargillion pictures of bison and elk. I never tire of it and my primary goal is always to see the beasts rather than the trees, which are also nice. But nothing makes me squeal outloud like finding a bald eagle riding on the wind or a moose feeding in the lake.

I would love to someday go to Africa. Specifically to experience all of the incredible wildlife in their natural habitats. Hopefully I won't have to witness a lioness taking down a zebra or anything, but hey, what are ya gonna do? It's not like they have cans of Alpo on the plains. And I've recently taken to screaming out "I WANT TO EAT IT!!" whenever I see a too-cute puppy. Thankfully whitey thinks it's hilarious and isn't ready to file down my teeth.

5. What's a perfect day in your world?

A perfect day in my world would have to be a Sunday. All the chores are done and the only thing on the agenda is lazing around all day. None of the 1800 things on my to-do list require attention and we're all stocked up on provisions. No need to get in the car for anything.

I wake up after a (non-existent) good night's sleep feeling great. No headaches. No body aches. No crushing fatigue. My baby and I lounge around in bed for awhile since there's no need to jump out of it. The world is quiet, still and peaceful. And the cats come and snuggle with ME. Dammit.

We stay in our pajamas all day. Hell, I might not even brush my hair. While the rain steadily falls outside, whitey makes us his famous bacon and cheese omelet with a side of hashbrowns breakfast and I have a hearty supply of chocolate to snack on throughout the day. We have a pile of good movies to watch and plug one in whenever we want. My afternoon nap is preceded by some slamming sex and I sleep sans scary dreams, waking up without being groggy. And the cats come and snuggle with ME. Dammit.

I spend a little time reading a good book, watch another movie and order me a mess of stuff from amazon.com. God, I love shopping. Mess around on the computer a little, then snog on the couch with my baby after a dinner of lemon chicken salad and orgasmic breadsticks from my favorite Greek place while we watch bad reality TV and make fun of ALL THE PEOPLE CRYING. Seriously, what's with the crying? I go to bed early, feeling relaxed and happy and not guilty for spending the whole day doing next to nothing. And the cats come snuggle with ME. Dammit.

Thanks Leslie! That was fun. I'd offer to pass on 5 questions to another person, but I'm getting ready to go on vacation and frankly, I'm just that lazy.