Monday, July 11, 2005

Liar liar set your head on fire

Meaning trite or overused expression. From the French past participle of 'clicher' loosely translated to “Soss stoopeed Americans can't use ze brain to invent ze original phrase to safe ze life. I speet on dem. Patooey”

We all know people are full of shit. It's a pandemic. More prevalent than fleas. And we’re all well aware that those who find it a novelty to shove an untruth up your ass, rather than be honest, thoroughly enjoy the dreaded cliché when putting their purjurious prattle into practice.

Bullshitters are like the guilty kid slathered in chocolate from head to toe insisting that "me no ate the cookie". And the famously unimaginative who snatch that last double chocolate brownie from the plate right as you’re reaching for it who look at you with a smug face and belch some jewel such as “you snooze, you lose”. Ohhh, how I hate these people. Ohhh, how they should be caned. By me.

It's unbelievable the aspersions crap spewers try to cast. Especially when it's so obvious that you're literally stunned at their unbelievable attempt at falsehood. Opened jawed and wide eyed with imaginary innocence. Your response nothing but a woosh of discerning air of incredulity escaping past your lips. Unable to respond as you'd like to, the words coming 20 minutes too late.

Everyone embellishes, stretches the truth, fibs a little. It’s part of human nature. We can’t escape it. And sometimes it’s necessary. When feelings need to be spared and there’s no use in revealing every detail. There is a time and a place for brutal truth, and appropriate reasons to fudge it. But the level of libel that we encounter in our daily adult lives is staggering.

Even though I totally appreciate it when anyone is giving me a pep talk and trying to make me feel better with well-intentioned advice, or trying to inject some positive energy into my terminally cranky butt, I sincerely wish they’d save the tired clichés for someone who’s less hostile. Because there are some sayings that just make me want to beat people with a flaming 2 by 4.

You can be anything you want to be. One of the biggest lies ever told to anyone in the history of the world. I mean come on. You can not! Number one, using an absolute isn’t a smart thing to do anyway, but let's be real here. I'm never going to be a defensive tackle for the Broncos. (Damn, I love those shiny pants). I can't become a trapeze artist. (Besides the fact I'd have to work with fucking clowns, you know I'd fall and kill myself). And I'm sure as hell never going to be President. (The pay sucks and I already have a million people who don’t like me, I don’t need whole countries trying to bomb my ass).

You have nothing to fear but fear itself. Oh yea? Tell that to the guy with the rattlesnake happily sharing his sleeping bag. What a load. Try to convince me that being locked in a flying tube of death plunging through space is a natural phenomenon and that fearing I'll fall to the ground at the speed of light and become a small stain on the ground is irrational. Fuck. You. I don't need to face anything, I don't need to get over my fright. I need to take prescription medication and mix it with alcohol.

At least it's a dry heat. Yes, because standing under a bright sky that measures 115 degrees Farenheit doesn't feel like molten lava being poured over your head. Because it's DRY. Who the fuck cares? It wouldn't matter if I were 200 feet below the ocean's surface, being anywhere that resembles the surface of the sun SUCKS and I DON'T WANT TO GO THERE.

Little pinch now. Bullfuckingshit little pinch. Why don't I take that gleeming needle and plunge it into the soft part of your arm and we'll see if it feels like a little pinch. Lying hoor.

It's not you its me. Ha, it's SO you.

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all. Biggest load of crap. Everybody wants the dirt. We love gossip. The dirty details and the sordid scoop. Most people lick their lips with anticipation when being let in on the juicy secret. That's why I prefer "If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me"! Now there's a cliché I can get behind.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I was using my browser to see if I spelled a word correctly, or if it was even a word(Purjurious is correct), and clicked on your link - your very entertaining and truthful statements really made my day - thanks from me and everyone who has not had the chance to read it!