Hey! I didn't order the side of splooge!

This always fucking happens to me. Try to do something right and blammo, blows up in my face. Why do I even bother? Pft and Oi!

Much drama will now commence.

Once again I wake up feeling like I haven't slept in 47 million years and drag myself through the rituals of morning. Shower, shampoo, try and get the cat hair off of my entire black wardrobe, give up and leave the house looking like a lint trap. And of course, I have no food to bring with me because I'm lazy and hate to cook. Therefore I have nothing to eat at work unless I'm craving a frozen raw chickencicle. Which I was not.

I decide that although the thought of anything prepared with even a hint of oil makes me want to poke hot needles in my eyes after our grease-fest on Sunday, I must get something to nosh or I'll turn into the hypoglycemia monster and kill someone whilst falling down the stairs faintly mumbling for cookies.

I figure those miniature, microscopic burritos from McDonald's can't be that bad, and I'll break my nothing good for you goes in my body if it isn't crammed with preservatives I don't want it why isn't this dipped in chocolate rule and get that new cut up apple thing with the walnuts. Imagine, me, eating an apple. The horror.

I get in the drive-thru line and order the burritos and the apple thingy with the nuts, which is exactly what I said because I don't know what the fuck it's called. At first the dude tried to give me an apple pie but sweet jesus, please don't make me eat anything deep fried unless you want me to ralph into your hairnet. I corrected my fast food engineer, got my breakfast and was on my way.

The burritos were just fine. Even though they contain some unidentifiable creamy substance, lets just pretend it's melted cheese, shall we? They were actually good. And crap, I think I have a new addiction. About 2 hours later I thought I'd take a peek at the fruit. It looked decent! 2 different types of apples, a few purple grapes thrown in, a little package of candied walnuts and some vanilla yogurt, that I only ate a little of cause, uh oh, lactose intolerant. I have NO tolerance for lactose. Or side ponytails, but I digress.

I ate a couple of grapes and they weren't so sour as to make my mouth pucker into a cramp, which is what I hate about grapes and the excuse why I don't eat those. But look at me, being all healthy. I grabbed a green apple slice and took a bite. It was crunchy, just the way I like it, so far so good. But wait. OMG! YUK! NOT SWEET. NOT APPLEISH. It was rank.

So I tried the reddish apple. That one wasn't so bad. I dipped a corner into the yogurt, again, not the greatest aftertaste in the world, but I haven't had an apple in a long time and thought maybe it was my jacked up tasted buds. I munched a bit more then saved the rest for later.

A couple of hours after lunch I was getting my afternoon sweet craving and thought I'd go back to the good stuff before I eventually went down to the candy machine because hell, I'm not giving up chocolate just because I ate a microgram of fruit. I decided to avoid the apples because I gave it like 6 tries and they all tasted like shit. I had a few grapes left and started popping them in my mouth. 1, 2, 3, 4, chew chew swallow. Darn, only 1 left.

I grab the last one. It's big and looks juicy. I'm so proud of myself. Maybe this can become a trend that will become a habit that will become a lifestyle. Go me!

For some reason, I twisted my little grape around to inspect the whole thing. More importantly, the side that had been nestled between the apple slices all snug and happy. And that's when I saw it...

GREY FUZZ!!

Grey fucking fuzz all over my grape. It was hairy. With mold. A moldy thing that I almost ate. And what are the odds it was the only fouled thing in the bowl? Not good my friends, not good at all! How much fungi did I ingest?? No wonder it all tasted like crap. Now I'm queasy and pissed.

God damn fruit. I'm going back to pop tarts.