I'm ready for my strip search, sir

No, the title is not a reference to she who will not be named that got out of her stint in jail this week and instead of disappearing like I've been praying for nightly, over the span of many years, she's even MORE in the news. For fuckingsake, I nearly had to turn off my TV. The reason for my titillating title is because I got arrested myself this week and boy did it suck.

OK, that was a total lie. I didn't get put in no slamma. I'm going on vacation! Well, that's also a lie. I'm not leaving on a jet plane to a tropical isle where cabana boys draped in loin cloths bring me fruity drinks with paper umbrellas and I get shtuped on a boat deck by my beloved, I'm going to visit my family. Alone. No whitey. Just me. Yea. Family.

In a few short hours I'll be here. It's breezy, but nice.

My brother and niece are already at my parents house and that kid, in all her obnoxious monkey behavior, does act as a buffer between the crazytudinal adults that will sharing space under a single roof for a week. And she's 10 now so hopefully she'll be interested in more than Polly Pockets and riding her bike up and down the street.

My parents live in (near) fucking Yellowstone, dammit, who wants to ride a bike when you can go molest grizzly bears? Not me, that's who. Plus I don't ride bikes anymore. My ass swallows the seat whole and I dunno, that's not the look I want to portray to the world while trying to enjoy a Sunday stroll. Like a woman with a Schwinn growing out of her poonani. Call me crazy.

I'm pretty excited about getting away because work has been a bitch and my house is not selling and when I'm not thinking about how grateful I am for being alive or kissing on my lovely boyfriend I feel pretty damn shitty. Could be hormones. Could be the time of year since summer isn't all that when your a hot, sweaty mess all the time.

Remember when summer came and you struggled through the last few days of school and everything had that special feel about it? All the formal clothes were retired and replaced by shorts and swimsuits and it was all about having fun.

Eventually we'd come into the house smelling like chlorine and the sun and beg my mother for some type of frozen treat to cool us off and instead of store bought otter pops that were the rage and envy of any house that had them, despite the sharp edges ripping your mouth apart, we got knock-off grape sugar water in the ice cube tray with toothpicks.

Ahh, good times.

I plan on taking a bazillion fo toes and I hope it'll be a fun time and while I'm away you kids be good! Don't blow yourselves up with illegal fireworks and you Canucks turn on some AC. I'll miss you like stupid, baby. See you in a week!