Monday, January 08, 2007

I picked a bad day to give up carbs

I got disappointing news about a supposed friend last week. Yet another person I thought I could trust acting like some double agent with diarrhea of the mouth. It's left me sour and scowling and will take a few days to shake the crank off. That paired with the 12 fucking hours I spent cleaning out the closets and boxing up 2 giant bookshelves of dusty books on Sunday (the day of rest my ass) and today I'm serving up hot plate full of crab to everyone. With a side of piss & vinegar. Hold the piss you say? NO! You'll get piss and you'll like it!

Why? Why is it sometimes so fucking hard to be friends with some people? I swear to Christ it's like juggling 3 working chainsaws, a pissed off badgers and 9 flaming tampons while you're walking across a tightrope greased with bacon fat sprinkled with broken glass and rusty staples and your underwear is up your butt.

I put the emphasis on sometimes because it's not all the time. Some people are a breeze to be around. You laugh easily and there are no awkward silences and you have an unspoken arrangement that they'd hold your hair back after consuming too many "free drinks" in Vegas and they would never let walk out of the house wearing red & purple together.

However, they are the exceptions to the rule. And I think this is more of a girl thing than a boy thing so maybe it's an estrogen thing? Although my very best gay boy has similar problems so it can't just be because you have lady parts are you a bitch. Just hang out in the Castro on a Friday night. There are way more cat fights down there than in a girl's high school locker room at when half have PMS at the same time.

Anyway, people are nuts is what I'm trying to say.

Friends come and go for a gajillion different reasons. Friends for a season, a reason, a bank heist, yada yada yada. I've had intense friendships that burned out like a hot flame and others that meandered for years without much there. I've had girlfriends in my life for 30 plus years that turned into psycho fuckers who did things I never thought they'd do. I've had others who can pick up where we left off without a request to kiss their ass in penance for time apart.

But the older I get the harder I find it is to make a good, true friend. A not gonna fuck me over someday friend. A real, sustaining friendship that isn't interrupted by insanity or general assory. Because inevitably, in most cases, some stupid remark is made or a giant betrayal is perpetrated or any manner of situations in between and the relationship is changed. In an instant. Just like that.

I know I'm more sensitive than normal most people. I'm reactive and emotional and cranky. And I might, once-in-awhile maybe perhaps I'll deny it if asked, take things the wrong way. Or sort of kind of very infrequently so shut up, over-analyze a wee tiny bit. And I'm far from guiltless. But I'm also a good person. I care. I give good advice. I'm loyal to a fault. And I'm smart. I pride myself on having a highly tuned bullshit meter and I can smell a rat from a mile away. I'm sort of like a German shepard but I don't shed, lick my butt, or stink. (Much.)

But I'm not so good with the sneaky snakes who wind their way around my neck talking pretty in my ear then bite a chunk out of my face. The charmers that feed me what I want to hear with sugar on top but poison underneath, or at least a hairy piece of candy from the bottom of their purse. The people who gain your trust with interest and promises all the while crossing their fingers behind their backs. Rats I can sniff out, evil bastards, not so much.

Years ago while I was talking to a co-worker, who happened to become one of those hot flame people (but not in a sexual way, much to my chagrin), he put it better than I've ever heard. He explained that he puts everyone he meets over here (he gestures to his right) and those people will stay over here (gestures to his right) unless they fuck up. You fuck up? You get moved over there (gestures to his left.) Simple, no?

Well, not so simple for chicks. At least not for this chick. I don't have a right or left side with a clear division in the middle. I have categories. Lots and lots of categories. It's like trying to keep a sock drawer as big as a football field organized. Friends you can only tell so much to, others you can't travel with, one person is good at listening, the next will tell you the exact opposite of what you should do but they make me laugh. Etc. Etc. It's fucking exhausting but it's how it goes.

The thing that's bothering me right now is the amount of new people coming into my life who seem like they're cool only to discover they are far from cool. They are on another continent from cool. In fact, I'm fairly certain they are on some mission from middle earth to jack with my head, or at least the world's head, I won't take all the credit. Bottom line. They end up sucking the high hard one.

In light of that fact, my ability to move people around gets easier and easier. Which sometimes disturbs me. Or maybe this is a good thing? I don't know. Am I protecting myself or being hasty? I'd like to think it's the former. I've been fucked over so many times by people who poured love all over me like a bucket of Tang then punched me right in the eye from out of nowhere that now I'm less trusting than ever. Add the internet to that and yikes, it's a wonder I talk to anyone. I get a whiff of rat? You get moved into a new category.

I still think there are good people out there, you know, one or two, and of course I give chances, too many sometimes, but there's also an endless supply of kooks and assholes. And let me tell you, if some people show me a hint of either of those things I'm moving you from over here, to over there, and you will never get back over here. You might be able to move a few spaces from over there to over there, but you won't ever get back over HERE. That I can promise you.

I will most likely show respect.

I will most likely stay friendly.

But my feelings will have changed.

Most likely forever.

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