Friday, September 16, 2005

Survivor Recap - 1

I am a reality TV whore. Thank whatever technology nerd for inventing the DVR because I'm having a hard time managing all of them and my addictions must be fed. My equivalent of doing a 6 inch line across a hookers ass is recording all of the horrible reality shows I'm into and squeezing the watching and catching up and hootin' hollerin' inbetween Oprah making me cry. That crack ho bitch.

So of course, I'm a yoog Survivor fan. YOOG. I've watched almost every season religiously with the exception of I think Taiwan and I don't know what was going on in my life at that time but it left a hole, yo. A big old fat hole. And no, whitey, I do not own any buffs. Not that I haven't thought about it...

Every season seems to have a different flavor of contestants. I'm sure that has a little bit to do with editing. Those scamps on the production team know what they're doing. There have been meanies and soft porn and vamps and hunks and hook-ups and overwhelming dumbassess (hello Surivor Pulau. Jebus they were stupid). This show has born some of the greatest reality stars we love to hate and make fun of ever. Almost as much as The Real World.

This season looks promising from the start. It's too soon to get a good read on anyone yet, but one thing's for sure. The men are giant pussy's! YOOG GIANT PUSSY'S. Ha. They don't even need to do another men vs. women thing, because the men fell apart straight away. And there seem to be some pretty strong personalities. I'm already salivating. And I thought I'd share the little write-ups I do for a message board I'm a captive victim of, I mean, where I post. Hope you enjoy. For those of you who already read this on the board, read it here and tell me again how brilliant I am! Thanks!

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Survivor Guatemala – a.k.a. – Someone Will Die

Sweeping aerial shots of lush jungle. A blue sky darkens and rain pours over the earth. A sparkling lake ripples by a gentle wind. A screaming banshee freak mutant monkey thing opens its giant gaping maw, throws its pointy head back baring huge sharp teeth and screeches the sound of hell. Welcome to the 11th installment of Survivor!

~music~

Oh wee oh wee ohhhh…

~music fades~

Without much fanfare or introduction, our Survivors suddenly appear before Jeff Probst in the middle of a Mayan temple. After quickly surveying their foreign surroundings the Survivors gather around where Jeff procedes to give them the lay of the land and warnings regarding their surroundings.

They are in the middle of jungle that will kill you. Filled with poisonous snakes, bugs, killer animals, crocodiles, fucking lizards, torrential rainstorms, unbearable heat, stifling humidity, and landmines. OK, I totally made up the landmines. But the rest is real. And the last person to finish alive wins. OK, that’s a lie too, but I tell you they’re trying to kill these people!

Jeff breaks the 16 contestants into 2 tribes, Nakum (pronounced Nah-coom) and Yaxha (pronounch Ya-sha) and tells them that the 18 players will…wait…what? Did he say 18? But there’s only 16 people here! Well I’ll be a screaming banshee freak monkey! They done tricked us! The survivors look around perplexed and Jeff introduces the 2 additional “surprise” tribespeople. It’s Bobby John (pronounced Babbie-Jawan) and Stephanie (the most kick-ass chick to ever kick-ass) from the last season.

Everyone acts all happy and surprised except for Jamie who whines that with Stephanie here how the hell is he going to win the million bucks. Don’t worry Jamie, you’re gonna DIE anyway. Stephanie is sent to Yaxha and Bobby to Nakum. Jeff, who gets more and more snotty with every year, mentions that these 2 are full-fledged players and feel free to vote them out first. Thanks Jeff! Everyone fusses over the new players and despite a couple lame comments it looks like this season might be a good one, because they're trying to kill them. Seriously.

The tribes are briefly briefed that they will competing immediately for their first reward. The tribe who finishes the challenge first will get the better camp with some supplies and the precious flint after they complete a grueling 11 mile hike totally uphill through the jungle and murderous wildlife, one vicious branch, 120 degree heat and carrying a thousand pounds of crap, one broken compass and oh yea, YOU WILL DIE.

The hike through the jungle kicks everyone’s asses, but mostly the big strapping men on Nakum. I don’t know what these guys did the night before the show started but they must have all dined on salt licks and coffee. These boys started dropping like flies. The cramping and puking. Oi. Then one of them gets nailed with this needle-branch thing that spears his shoulder and da widdle baby tarts pooking cuz it hoots doe bayad. Suck it up and rub some dirt in it ya puss!

Everyone ends up spending a long day being half lost and fighting their way through the jungle and a very scary and wet night. They all resume this exercise in brutality at first light where I would have sat down and refused to move until they airlifted my ass to Rio. The two tribes actually find each other and it looks like it’s going to be a close race, but of course Lydia Midgeta and Amy fell behind and slowed up their (my) tribe who never managed to catch up.

Nakum emerged from the underbrush and after a canoe paddle and another short climb, arrived at yet another Mayan temple and snitty snooty Jeff announced them trimphant, thus winning their camp, which is the actual ruins. Umm…yea…thanks for the big camp of rocks. Super. Yaxha showed up a few minutes later and was swiftly sent back to their boat to paddle their loser butts all the way across the lake to their camp. Where they found a pile of pots and nothing else. But they started to rally together to build some type of shelter so good on them.

Once the challenge was officially over the boys of Nakum got even worse. They were all barfing, very loudly barfing, and laying on the ground in various levels of pain and problems. Margaret the nurse was running around trying to help and keep Bobby John from passing out. The women are strong like bull. Go girls!

The next day both tribes received mail giving hints for the immunity challenge. They gather at the beach looking tired and beaten to learn of the next game. The teams would have to row their canoes around a buoy, grab a torch hanging from it, row back, drag the boat onto the beach then 4 members would pull the whole damn thing over some rolling logs with a rope while 3 members continually moved the last log to the front and one person would be the keeper of the lit torch. Whoever hauled their boat to the end and lit a cauldron would win the immunity idol, which looks like a hollowed out pygmy, and be safe from the first Tribal Council.

It was a neck-and-neck race with grunting and sweating and girls getting caught under the logs. But alas, there could only be one winner and Yaxha took the fugly idol home, their own piece of flint and Stephanie burst into tears for finally being a member of a team that doesn’t lose every stinking game. The women all gloated just a wee little bit for being in better shape than the men and Jim admits back at camp that he has snapped a muscle in his left arm and it's basically useless. Golly, I wonder who’s going home.

Nakum makes their way to tribal council, light your torch, represents life, yada yada. And despite all of the men going down like a ton of dehydrated baby bricks, it was an obvious and unanimous vote. Jim and his busted bicep was sent home. I’m just glad the dude didn’t die.

Here are the remaining teams.

Tribe Nakum
Brandon
Blake
Brooke
Cindy
Danni
Margaret
Jim
Judd
Bobby John

Tribe Yaxha
Brian
Rafe
Jamie
Amy
Gary
Brianna
Lydia
Morgan
Stephanie

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