Ebay Virgin

I should have known better. I knew there was something that had kept me away from this site for so long. Oh sure, I had scanned it a few times. Checked things out. Pondered the notion of selling a thing or two. But I never let the thought of actually purchasing anything cross my mind. Have I mentioned I have a little, teeny, tiny problem with shopping? Shocking, I know. And you see, I can rationalize the purchase of just about anything. It's impressive actually, in my humble opinion

I just had to have those obnoxiously expensive up-to-the-knee snow boots with their brightly colored ribbons sewn around the white gortex. Because you know, in Southern California the temperature can drop to an ass-biting 50 degrees in the dead of winter and I MIGHT SHIVER! And how could I pass up that Craftsman 9 volt cordless drill with the multi-position clutch, rechargeable batteries and drill kit? It was on sale!

Since it’s close to Christmas, I, like many others, are thinking about that perfect gift for the special people in our lives. I am no different. In fact, it becomes something of a gift quest for me every year. I don’t have sugarplums dancing in my head, more like sales flyers and shipping rates. And I have a strict one for them, two for me gift policy during the holidays to reward myself for all of the time and effort I put into making my loved ones happy. Hey, works for me. I told you I was good.

Then it finally happened. I was staring at my monitor, fingers resting lightly on the keyboard, relaxed, calm, the day winding down like a leaf gently wafting to the ground. Suddenly, in perfect concert, into my mind popped an idea as my fingers began to fly.

And there it was. All of those categories. All of that stuff! I entered my most excellent Christmas gift idea into the search field. Bada-bing! It was there! Hooah! This was pretty cool, I thought. My eyes quickly darted to the prices. Hmm, not too bad. I can swing this. I’ll give it a go. I quickly registered, entered a bid, and placed it. Bid accepted. Woo hoo! Easy right? Fun right?

Now, to backtrack just a wee bit. I discovered not too many years ago, when I made my first odyssey to Las Vegas, that I might have a lil bit of a gambling problem. If things got out of control, I don’t let it, but it’s a big “if”. I’m considerably competitive by nature, even against an inanimate object such as a slot machine, always mocking me with its bing-bong chling chling Wheel…of…Fortune. When I have the chance to play against the infernal electronic beast, I sit down with my game face on, let the machine eat my twenty while quietly chanting “You're mine beotch.” When in reality, I'm its bitch, ass-pounding prison style bitch.

So, needless to say, I should have predicted a similar issue would rear its ugly head. But I didn’t know. It was supposed to be just like shopping! Find your thing, clicky clicky, enter credit card, Fed-X man brings to house. Alas, this is not how it all went down.

After my pleasant, and quite painless first-time bidding experience, I hadn’t given it another thought. I innocently powered up my system only to find a nasty-gram in my e-mail announcing that I had been out-bid. WHAT?? I’ve lost my perfect gift to some cyber pirate?? This cannot be! I quickly went back to the site and found my freshly-lost treasure. Well who the crap does this person think they are? No way. I will win! -silently puts curse on other bidders genitals-

I hit the “place bid” button. I’m smiling. The screen flashes. Big read letters pop up. “You have been outbid”. Screen flashes again. I am not smiling. WTF? I bid again, smile, flash, “outbid”, smile gone. Well HELL! Bid, outbid, repeat, repeat, again, again, again, again. My eyes turned into rainbow pinwheels. I’m not blinking. My lips pursed, determination is my face. Bid, bid, bid. Finally, justice prevails!! AH HA! My bid is accepted. I AM THE HIGHEST BIDDER!! My head falls back, I let out a maniacal laugh. MUHAHAHA! That’s right mutha fucka. It’s mine, all mine! BWAHAHAHA!

Uh oh. Aww dayum. Moment over. Eyes back to normal. Face melding into regret. Vehement victory vanishing.

And on the screen, there’s my login, there’s my major award, there’s the price…

Starting bid...$1.00

My bid.........$250.00

I will be enjoying my Authentic Flying Ace Snoopy Telephone for a long, long, time.