Sunday, December 19, 2004

Trend Sucker

I was getting ready for my vacation tonight, packing, re-packing, and packing some more. Earlier in the day I had waded through the ceiling-high crap in my guestroom closet to attempt a retrieval of my suitcase. And that's when I saw it. Sitting there. Dusty. Unused. Mocking me. My last "this will change my life" purchase.

Awhile back I woke up at some ungodly hour of the morning, when the entire world is still asleep, except for criminals and mall walkers. I'd spent the previous night thinking I was a rock star and trying to party like one. Since it was the ass-crack of dawn, my choices for entertainment were early morning cable T.V. or laying in bed listening to the sound of brain throbbing. I chose the former. While surfing through endless channels of infomercials, I came across a gem called "The Firm".

Actually, I came across it about 5 times, but settled on a station and instantly became transfixed. I was feeling pretty bad, hung over, disappointed that I'd done it again, drank too much, tried to soak up alcohol with a midnight run to Jack-in-the-Crack, and hadn't been to the gym in months.

And there they were. Real life women in skimpy, tight spandex talking about getting that kick-ass shape just from jumping around their living rooms and holding weights as heavy as my toothbrush. I thought, I can do this. I too can be all that I can be. I will wear butt floss with pride!! If I don't make it to the gym, I'll work out at home!

A long-absent energy started to wash over me. My headache was dissipating, the pillow lines on my face fading. I mustered the energy to move one arm and picked up the phone, made the call, and ordered my miracle. I was anxious for its arrival. I even paid extra for super duper speedy shipping. Everyday I came home expecting to see this huge box at my door. Day after day I waited. This was the first sign...

After 4 phone calls and 5 weeks, I finally got my "step system". It was a double set of two steps, one able to stack on top of the other, (when I progressed enough to avoid an asthma attack in the first 2 minutes), and 3 videos of increasing difficulty. I tore open the packaging and ripped through the celophane with animated fervor. I made as much space in my living room as possible, gathered up my hand weights and put on my best exercise outfit. I was pumped up and ready to get back into shape.

I put in the first tape and patiently listened to the introduction, then fast forwarded to the work-out since the woman chirping her hello's like a bird outside your window at 5 a.m. on a Saturday managed to instantly surface long ago supressed feelings and high school fantasies of stuffing perky pom-pom girls into trashcans lined with lunch left-overs.

Trying to shed my lazy demeaner and cynical attitude, I vowed to give it a college try. Which should have been an even bigger clue to my lame attempts at snake-oil cures right there since all I did in college was drink and fuck my boyfriend. However, I was a good girl and started stepping. One two, down up. Three four kiss my butt. Five six hate this chick. Seven eight I'm a dick.

And guess what? It sucks. The tapes are boring, the women are annoying, I have no room in my house to flip around in tights without breaking a lamp or a toe, and now I'm getting some type of "supplement" every few months, at $30 a pop, that I'm convinced will cause me to grow a tail or at the very least cause such intestinal distress that I'll have to strap a bucket to my ass.

So, it's in the closet. Waiting for a garage sale price tag. My dream squashed like a snail on the sidewalk. And now they're selling this shit at discount stores for a 10th of what I paid for it. I am a sucker.

You'd think I would have learned from the NADS fiasco.


whitey said...

Never believe the hype. Shame on you!

No_Newz said...

You are a shopoholic. You were hungover. You at least didn't get Rockin' to the Oldies with Richard Simmons! There's still hope for you girl! Have a great safe trip!
Lois Lane

Ginny said...

I sent NADS back to the manufacturer with hate mail written in my own blood after tearing away a layer of skin.

Becka said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one. I have the entire Tae-bo set. And Ginsu knives. I should be banned from infomercials.

MrV said...

Let's see the knifes, TyBo, Windser Pialetes, Time life Books, Time life Music, the weed DEVIL, SHOW SHINE CAR POLISH, the roteserie cooker, the non stick easy wash cook ware set, some dumb ass car cover, and thats just what I can remember...Got you beat

Denise said...

I'm so glad I read this. The last time I ordered something from on television it came with this nifty dealie that was supposed to microwave eggs perfectly. My boys now use it in their shirts to pretend they have boobs and laugh like hell.
I was so very close to ordering a brand new nick nack, until my sister sent me a link to your blog. I remembered the boob imitator and turned the channel.

Anonymous said...

Well I uh, read the one about you not getting enough comments and I went 'Comments? You can comment on here too?" Shut it! I am now commenting:
Loved, loved, loved the ABC story ;-)
-FG (aka Heidi)

Special K said...

I finally get my ass over here (shush--I've been busy) and you're leaving. My timing seriously sucks ass.

But, at least now that I'm at the computer, I'll get on that linky-linky detail.

P.S. You are never allowed to buy another thing from the TV ever again.