Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Incongruitous Maximus

One thing that I've learned about myself, so much more in the last two years than the previous 35, is that I'm a copiousness of contradictions. And depending on my given emotional temperature, how the planets are aligned, and if CSI is in re-runs, this can be viewed as an advantage or a detriment. See, I told you.

I've covered this topic before, in small doses, but have found myself stuck in a mind-loop the past few days. Several loops in fact. Actually, more like a roller coaster with twists and turns that hurt your head and makes you feel a little barfy.

This is always the result of family fallout. A substantial and unpredictable supply of reflections, covering self and others. The period of said considerations also being a fickle bitch, as I never know how long it will take over space in my mind, setting up camp like a squatter. The new employee decorating the cubicle in my brain with beenie babies and plastic picture frames until they one day disappear without notice.

Being a deep thinker is a burden. That might sound incredibly arrogant, but too fucking bad. It's true. To borrow from one of my favorite movies, I take a problem, chew on it until all the flavor's gone, then stick it in my hair. This is not limited to problems either. My mind never stops. Until I manually put on the brakes and allow myself to disengage into someone else's world, or turn on the T.V. That's the best remedy for me. Turn on the idiot box and let myself become one just for a break.

And lately I can't even read without my mind wandering 2 sentences in to a paragraph. Fragmented thoughts polluting what is supposed to be a relaxing endeavor. WTF?

I'm a lover of analogies. They help put things into a clearer perspective for me and I pride myself with the talent I have for giving birth to some great ones. Today I envisioned myself as a glass paperweight. Sturdy, strong, pretty to look at and could bash someone's head in if need be. But drop me from a decent height and I'll shatter, hopefully breaking someone's toe in the process.

Another one that's been mulling it's way around in my head came to me when I was talking to my baby on the phone Christmas night. Ironically I was applying this comparison to someone else, but in my resistant admittance, I think it applies to me as well. We were discussing those who fight against any kind of change, cementing themselves in some past time that will forever be looked upon as "the best". This is a sinking ship and one too many of are guilty of, myself included. My reply was this, why do those that insist on standing in the middle of the stream react with surprise when continually hit with debris?

I was accused by someone who spat on our life-long friendship recently, that I go through life clawing at the door-jams, screaming and fighting while she whispers that things aren't all aces. While that comment stung, and is a gross exaggeration fuck you very much, there is a ring of truth. I don't like change. It scares me and usually means bad things are coming my way. I've had enough proof to believe this. I've answered the phone enough times with devastating news on the other end.

However, I am learning and I am trying to accept and embrace transition. Change is not an event and no one, no one, should put that restriction on anyone else. We are not made of stone with singular stances or static personalities.

I'm also letting myself be incredibly excited about the future and what it contains, will contain, hopefully will contain. I'm taking responsibility for what is in my control and what isn't. That's no easy feat, but I know I have the balls to do it. I also don't want to skip the fact that I'm the luckiest Princess in the world and am grateful to my core to have found love again, with an extraordinary human being. Even though it's scary. My heart is open.

As I continually search for answers, postulate and formulate Pythagora's theorem in this fucking self-discovery shit, I'm becoming more settled and accepting of the fact that the changes I've gone through and will continue to, are alright, or eventually will be, despite the 14 million freak-out tantrums I'll have. And I'm fortunate that the awesome people in my life seem to be understanding of these. (Please continue to be, please).

God, this all sounds so fucking I'm O.K., You're O.K. And once again I'm all over the place and can't put a decent thought process in a straight line. I haven't had the mental capacity to finish almost anything I've started in the last couple weeks. I'm seriously neglecting the blogs I love to read and haven't left any comments anywhere. So I apologize sincerely. Give me a few more days and I'll pull my head out of my ass.

God damn holiday's. Mess me up.


whitey said...

You don't have to make sense here. This is where you spill without having to sift through the debris.

I'm excited, too. So much so that I can't leave my desk for the next few minutes...

Becka said...

Betty I love reading your stuff. Even if you zip and zang all over the place.

Life is made in small changes. Or so I've found.

And I couldn't be happier for you. You deserve it :)

Ginny said...

Shit yeah, I claw at the doorjambs. I ain't going down whispering.

At least if I get bent over and reamed by life I can say I put up a fight.

Clawing is much more fun anyway.

No_Newz said...

You are okay, chickadee. And heck, I am too. And if you want to think outloud, well, this is the best place to do it! (Funny how every time you think you are all over the place, I can follow. hmmm, what does that say about me? LOL)
Have a happy new year!
Lois Lane

magz said...

Change: the stuff ya bend over to pick up to maintain yer cheap beer buzz, and sanity. (I use mine to buy bullets to kill those beercans once I've emptied em)
this is yer stasis time, time outta time, waiting for time to finish yer countdown. awake or asleep or dead drunk, the time's passing, and yer ok.
you could always waste 5 minutes sayin something profound or provocitive to my kid... he needs many bitch slaps to get ta growin... picture whitey at 17 and ya nailed him. (where Has My Mind Gone off mine)

magz said...

oh yeah... and many mushy happy thots for you, cause know what? it IS... all about you today princess!