He asked for it!

I received a call from the X today. No, not that X. Not the one that was a fucker of epic proportions and the lucky recipient of a fist sandwich lovingly made by moi the last time we shared hostile physical space together after he attempted his impression of an NFL offensive tackle and I successfully thwarted his plan.

This X was not a fucker. An occasional lameass, but no fucker. F was a fun time most of the time, although I was compelled to issue a warning that I might have to kill him. This caution was given on many an occasion. And with good cause too.

F is a very happy-go-lucky guy. I oft compared him to a big goofy puppy. He has an easy smile and is so out-going I literally had to drag him away from the 4 million strangers he would talk to a day. Warning: do not allow this man to attend a swap meet. You will never, ever leave. One can only watch the "Super Chopper" for so long before visions of manual strangulation start to dance across your mind. And to make matters worse, I would stand there with my single-language thumb up my ass while he spoke Spanish with rapid-fire pacing, even to people who couldn't speak it! Ha! Dumbass.

F is a very helpful person. But sometimes helpful meant, annoying. He's proud of the knowledge he's gained in his chosen career, which is great, but sometimes doesn't know when to keep his yapper shut, or to give anyone with enough brain power to make a spark their due credit for the ability to grasp a simple concept of something like, oh, let's say, being thirsty equals a need for fluids. Ya think? In fact, F has a theory that all ills can be treated with, or at least traced back to, proper hydration or a lack thereof.

"I have a headache." "Maybe you need to drink some water."

"I think I broke my finger." "Here, have some water."

"My grandmother passed away". "How much water have you had today?"

"I just got into a CAR ACCIDENT!!". "Make sure you drink some WATER!!"

Ooooooo. I'd get SO PISSED about the FARGING WATER! How's about I jam a garden hose up your ass and we never have to talk about the fucking water again? OK? OK.

Another classic that F layed on me one time will live on in infamy. Mostly because I'm a bitch and tell this story to everyone who will let me, thus proving what a boner he could be and causing empathetic eyes to roll in my direction with understanding and commiseration. As much as I adored him, there were times when he should have been flushed down a toilet.

We were hiking in Montana, and since I'm 5'4" and F is 6'2", you can imagine his stride is quite a bit longer than mine. And even though he's a big boy, he's in freakishly good shape. Me, ah...yea, short and curvy. Me no walky fasty. So, we're walking along the trail and I need to stop and stretch my non-limber legs, that are always as tight as fucking banjo strings. F immediately thought there was something wrong and just had to offer some of his stellar advice. He looks me right in the face with a serious cast on his, as I'm oo-ing and ah-ing in mild discomfort, and says,

"Well? Are you walking heel/toe?".

What? Stutter sputter. What did you just say to me? Are you fucking kidding me? Did you seriously just asked me if I'm walking heel/toe. Because I distinctly heard you ask, me, if I'm actually walking, heel, toe. HEEL. TOE. Wait, did you? I think you just. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I'm sorry, but I'll have to kill you now. (And I could have. We were waaaaay out in the woods.)

Ah yea, I've been doing that little heel/toe thing since I was about, oh, I don't know, 9 months old, with the exception of some drunken staggering and accidental tripping, but on the whole, I've managed to master the CORRECT way of walking for quite some time. Especially when I abandoned my previous method of ASS/ELBOW. I just couldn't get very far with that!! Was I walking heel toe. Fahcrissake.

We really didn't fight that much, at least not that I can remember. But something strange happened every time we went roller blading. I seriously wanted to hurt him. Every single time. I'd get so mad that I'd fantasize that he'd totally eat shit on the path and go flying into the sand or something. I didn't want him to get hurt, just banged up a little. Is that wrong? Good. Because you just don't know.

He put out this total dickish vibe as soon as he'd strap on those blades and you'd want to hurt him too! And I'm sure this had nothing to do with my yelling "KITTY KITTY KITTY" at psychotic decibels in public every time I saw a cat. I'm sure of it. Or maybe it was the fact that he dragged my ass out of a warm bed on a Sunday morning to go propel ourselves on little rubber wheels for 8 FUCKING MILES.

All-in-all, we did have tons of fun. F got me into SCUBA diving and I have a myriad of great memories filed away and learned a new skill to torture my parents with since they think everything I do is crazy anyway. We laughed a ton and were always busy doing something. He was very affectionate and a great guy. It was a wonderful time in my life, for the most part, and I owe him a lot thanks. And some over-due wedgies.

I'm grateful we came out of this relationship as friends and we're both happy for each other as we move on to new relationships and experiences. (Even though I never, ever want to hear about the women in his life. I'll just pretend they don't exist and we'll all be happy. OK? OK.) Yes, I know I'm nuts.

So thanks F. Thanks for always supporting me and boosting confidences I didn't have before we met. Thanks for giving me such great memories and helping me to be a better person. Thanks for putting up with my kooky ways and being a good friend.

I also owe you apology for all of the times I plugged your nose while you lay peacefully sleeping-like-the-dead causing you to rise straight up and gasp for air clutching at your face and asking "what, who, what" as I faked being asleep. It was my little revenge for you occasionally bashing me in the face with your giant arm and spending night after night after night not getting one damn wink of sleep while you fell unconscious before your head hit the pillow. Those dreams you used to have that you were drowning? Yea, that was me.

:)