It's taken me a few days to get my bearings but I'm starting to feel my feet planted firmly on the ground again. At least most of the time. Just the occasional bobble to the right with a dizzy head and a heaviness in my chest. I'm not sure I've dealt, am dealing, will deal with this death the right way but for now I'm doing better than OK, less than great.
I certainly wasn't prepared for how bad it was all going to hurt, and it wasn't an easy passing, but I'm not going into details. Boo is gone and I'll keep with me that she's a whole kitty now and someday we'll see each other again. Sounds good to me.
A huge thank you to all for the comments and the thoughts. With as much sincerity as words on a screen can convey, I truly appreciated it, felt it, and used it for strength and comfort. And I'm very, very fortunate to have whitey to reach out to everytime I pout and tear up a little and say that I miss her because he reaches back for me every single time and says, I know babe, I know you do, and that always makes it a better.
Whitey and I are both animal lovers. Another fortunate thing in our relationship because there's no way in Satan's asshole that I'd ever be with someone who was a hunter and killed creatures for sport. I dig it that we both get super excited over the beasts that we encounter. And it cracks my shit up that he calls every friggen thing at the Zoo/Sea World/the great outdoors "puppy". (Thumbs up for the kid we saw at Sea World last weekend who was calling all the rays in the ray encounter "kitty". Kid after our own hearts.)
We both talk about how many animals we'd like to have in the future. In fact, it's one of the main reasons we talk about moving. So we can afford a house and fill it up with whiskers and fur. We definitely want a load of cats, and if we had our choice, 10 dogs. He also comes up with crazy shit like he wants a pygmy goat (I finally relented and said yes, but just one, and he have to clean up the crap.) But no fucking way am I agreeing to a goose. They shit what looks like left-overs from an autopsy and they're mean.
I, however, want a miniature horse. How funny would it be to ring someone's doorbell and they have a little horse standing behind them? And I think you can train 'em not to poop in the house, which would be the rule for everyone except those who poop in authorized receptacles. And of course we want a gigantic fancy shmancy tropical fishtank that I just know it going to be a disaster of epic proportions what with the cost of the fish and maintaining the ph balances and shit and lord knows I don't have any luck with that sort of thing ever since I had a fire newt that tried to run away from the lovely home I made for him and we found him down the hallway stuck to the carpet. For now we'll have to stick with kitties and we're on the search for a chihuahua.
Yes, we like chihuahua's.
I know, it came as a shock to me as well. I've always, always been an anti-purse dog person. I scoffed, I mocked, I actually laughed a little when I was in a car that slowly backed over a miniature poodle (don't yell at me the dog was fine). But some sort of shit happened to me in the last couple of years and suddenly I was looking at hua's differently. They were like tiny little regular dogs only with totally big attitudes, which I completely support. Bitches in small packages. Rock on!
Then one day whitey and I were talking and I can't remember who confessed first but the issue came up and we both professed our secret love of chihuahua's and if I wasn't in love with that man before I certainly was then. Finally! Someone who would want to own a yipper dog with me and wouldn't gag at the sight of a puppy in a purse. And he comes up with the most awesome potential names for dogs, too. I tend to stick around things like "Morty" and "Walter", which I find hilarious as hell, and he comes up with names like "Bucket" and "Pancake." How fucking funny is that? I know!
Of course in addition to a wee dog we also want a great dane too. That picture I linked up there, that's exactly what we want. And I plan to walk them at the same time. You might think it's stupid but we think it's brilliant. Maybe I'll get them matching sweaters too. The hua's from Pampered Pets and the great dane from Old Navy. There will be more dogs than that since I have my heart set on another black lab, but for now we'll settle for a little guy.
And um...a cat.
Alright, here's where I get a little controversial since I realize this is a sensitive subject and animal lovers have pretty passionate opinions sometimes, but I want another cat now. Like right now.
I'd already been thinking about getting another one and having 3 since my ultimate wish is to have 4, but I never wanted to do anything that would upset Boo in any way or put her in the line of fire from some cranky new cat so I was never really serious about adding to our pet family to I haven't persued it.
And to be perfectly honest, the universe sends me animals and I'm not kidding. It's been this way my whole life. All the animals I've ever had have come to me by way of circumstance. I've never had to go to a shelter or answer an ad in the paper. They somehow come into my life and they're always incredible and always need me as much as I need them. And judging by my constantly-drained bank account it's a good thing they come to me because most people wouldn't do what I've done for my much loved and expensive beasts. And in my eyes, they're worth it.
Losing Boo last week was brutal. If I let myself think about it for more than a nanosecond it feels like my heart is going to melt into my pockets. Her presence was a big one in our house and even though we're now 3 instead of 4 it feels half empty. By Sunday I was looking online for rescue cats and trying to find one that might be a good fit with us and Rascal. Knowing full well it was probably a futile effort since I was going against what always happens but I had to look anyway.
Oh yea, here's the controversial part. I do not believe that I'm dishonoring Boo by getting another cat so soon. I'm not "replacing" her. She was probably the most awesome cat I'll ever have, never to be matched. But she's gone and I have an empty space for loving a kitty that needs to be filled. As hard as it is to lose them, I can't live without them.
And thank you universe, you did it again. I got a call from my friend S. on Sunday night but didn't retrieve the message until Monday. When I heard it I got a chill up my neck. S. told me that her sister needed to find homes for her 2 cats since her 3 wild kids were a handful and the kitties weren't getting enough attention, and one kitty was freaked being around kids to the point that she hides under beds all day.
My friend had mentioned this to me a few months ago but I didn't give it much thought. And now on the same weekend we lose Boo another kitty needs a good home? One with no kids, loving caretakers and enough treats to gag a pony? That's us!! And I have a sneaky feeling I'll end up with both of them, but we'll see.
I still feel wistful about it, and the one kitty I plan on taking is the same age as Boo and Rascal so I hope I don't have to face losing another one for years and years, but the universe has spoken and I won't ignore her.
I pick up Jade on Friday and I can't wait.
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