Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Please pass the Pepto

I just had the grossest lunch.

A greasy sausage sandwich served in a dirty ashtray would have been better than what I just consumed. I knew I should have gone to McDonald's but I have zero willpower when it comes to the golden arches and don't look at me like that I like their Big Macs and you can't dispute their fries so shut up and even though they have salads who the fuck goes there to eat lettuce when they'll give you a teeny tiny mini soft-serve cone for like a quarter?

My company is very large and I work at the main "campus". I know. It makes me roll my eyes too. And since we have like a billion people working here they have a cafeteria in one of the buildings within walking distance. It's not so bad with it's salad and sandwich bar and fountain drinks and home-made cookies, but they also have different "stations" that serve menu items for the day. And this is where things start to go wrong.

When I first started working here the food was super mega kick ass. Panini's grilled between that wanna-be George Foreman thing that puts freeway lines in the bread and makes the edges of the cheese all crispy and yummy, fresh salads with Cajun crusted salmon and fish-n-chips reminiscent of Great Britain. But ever since this weird chick who wears the wiccan necklace on full display, I shit you not, took over it's all gone to hell.

The food has gotten progressively crappy. The prices suck. And they never have enough people working the cash registers during the lunch crunch. But I'm a little scared of the witch chick so I don't say anything. However, I now call it the crapateria in secret retaliation. Ha! But I might have to brave at least an anonymous suggestion today since I'm suffering a gastrointestinal unhappiness and I think I might barf. And it will be a truly technicolor yawn, let me tell you.

I walked over to get some food since I was suffering a few hunger pangs and the Starbucks scone I'd eaten earlier had burned through my system and left me a bit shaky. I knew I needed some protein and was going to try and ignore the burgers and fries they have on hand every day. (Last weekend there was an unfortunate toilet seat cracking incident at home that I will not go into because fuck, I cracked the fucking toilet seat. Who cracks a fucking toilet seat? Big fat fatty asses do that's who so the elliptical machine is on a UPS truck somewhere in Ohio today making it's way to my big fat toilet seat cracking ass. OK! OK. It was a cheap toilet seat anyway. Fuck.)

So, I walk in and the first station I see has what looks like a nice salad with fresh spinach and grilled chicken and stuff. I am known to eat a bit like a bachelor, standing in the kitchen with a fork spearing mini ravioli right out of the can, so a fresh salad is a huge departure. I balked a little at the price of $5.99 since jesus this isn't Chile's for chrissakes and you certainly do not get 6 dollars worth of food in the styrofoam container but whatever, I'll get it. Then I noticed all the crap in the little bins and thought, hmm, that's some strange ingredients but again, whatever, it'll be good for me so serve it up.

Boy do I regret that decision.

This stupid salad of shit contained the following:

Fresh spinach
grilled chicken
feta cheese
fried chinese noodles from a can
tomato chunks
garbanzo beans
raspberry vinaigrette dressing

They forgot the meal worms and diarrhea.

This thing was so unappetizing I could only eat half of it. The feta turned purple from the dressing. The chicken tasted like it'd been soaked in a vat of salty brine with rotten garlic and plant filler and it didn't have the wiggly parts trimmed off so I'm pretty sure I chomped down on a chicken eyelid. The cucumbers were slimy. The tomatoes were crunchy. And the stale chinese noodles added a nice texture similar to broken glass. I declined the beans and mushrooms. Lord knows what symphony of suffering would have played out in my mouth if they were along for the ride.

And let me just say the snack bag of baked chedder and sour cream Ruffles didn't help matters a bit.

They're practically forcing me to cook for myself and I've been banned from the kitchen after the Cruton Incident of 2005. I mean really. This is not a college dorm here. Real live adults eat from that shitbox and I know my parents generation would appreciate broiled cow spleen with sautéed crab grass but all the people I know eat normal food without "creative" combinations and crap filler like that god damn red cabbage you find in everything now.

I expect a little bit more when I'm paying almost $10 a pop and not indigestion that causes me to mini-puke fetid frothy feta into my mouth for the next four fucking hours.

Now excuse me. I have to go settle my stomach with a bag of M-n-M's.

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