Survivor Panama: Exile Island - episode 2

Episode 2 – sponsored by psychoticwhinybaby.com and Marlboro.

Idiots, psychos, and whiners, OH MY. Wow, episode two was so full of twists and turns you needed to keep your eye on the coconut or you’d miss something crucial. And ladies & gentleman, we have a new crazy asshole to watch, and it’s only the second show!

Now they can cue the snakes.

After a night of thunderous downpours all 4 tribes did their best to dry out and gather their wits. Some teams fared better than others since different amounts of time and energy were spent building shelters when they all landed on their respective beaches. (Go older women! Woot!) Why these people don’t spend half their day making decent shelter I’ll never know.

The now 15 Survivors gathered in front of Jeff Probst, all standing on a wooden circle. Our illustrious host wasted no time, gave little info and had them all turn over their circle. Danielle and Terry were the lucky ones each finding a colored buff under theirs. They were were then sent to 2 separate mats and told the news. Shockingly, a merge was already taking place!

Instead of a random reach into a rucksack, the 2 lucky leaders who found buffs were to start a good old-fashioned schoolyard picking of teams in boy-girl-boy-girl order. It was apparent that the original splitting of the Survivors by age and gender was not going to be continued. The new tribes had a mixture of everything and now would be known as Casaya wearing purple and La Mina in orange. Vivero and Bayonetta were no more which is good because I was not going to try and keep track of that shit.

Once the 2 teams had 7 members each, the odd man out, Bruce, was instructed that he would be spending the next 3 days on Exile Island alone, possibly looking for the immunity idol since no one knew if Misty had found it during her stint floundering alone. He would also be provided with clue #2 and flint to start a fire.

And to add another new element to this season of the game, even though Brue would be missing out on the next 2 challenges, and all the team dynamics that go with tribe time, he would be granted automatic immunity from the next tribal council and would fill the empty spot the next votee would leave. Interesting…

Then the exiled was shown on the island doing nothing but reading the clue and a bunch of weird Karate Kid moves and not looking for the idol, building a shelter and he broke the fricking flint! Served him right he spent 3 nights sleeping in the pouring rain with an iron pot over his stupid head in a futile attempt to keep dry. Idiot.

Back at reward challenge Jeff instructed the tribes they would be competing through an obstacle course collecting 6 giant wooden snakes along the way. Climbing shit, crawling under shit, balancing across shit, wading through shit, the usual shit. One person on each team would be responsible for carrying all 6 snakes to the end.

First tribe to finish would win a reward of fishing paraphernalia and a raft would be delivered to their beach.

This is where you could have gone to the fridge for another beer.

Both teams were neck and neck, yada yada, La Mina won. The newly formed tribe of 7 returned back to their camp, which used to be the older men’s beach, and surveyed their fishing goodies. Sally and Nick decided to take the raft out with the Hawaiin sling spear fishing thing and “practice”. Approximately 2 seconds after I said, “that bitch is gonna lose that thing” the bitch lost it, shooting the money part of the spear into 40 feet of ocean water. Idiot.

Misty tried to console the fretting frat girl by saying “it’s ok, we can make another one”. Um, yea. And just how do you ‘spect to fashion rubber tubing in the middle of the frigging jungle? The professor couldn’t get those castaways off their damn island for 3 solid years and they had stuff to make radios and golf carts! Idiot.

Casaya returns to what was the older women’s beach where Shane commenced his whinefest from the night and before, proceeds to diss the “old men” he was previously teamed with then changes his tune after formally meeting all his new tribe mates and proclaims himself finally happy. Psycho.

Both tribes went to work double-time creating alliances and making deals. Hands were quickly shook and secret teams of 4 were created on both Casaya and La Mina. This was a definite advantage to those who were in on the new pacts since each team had 7 players and the remaining 3 outside of either alliance were extremely vulnerable, especially since individual immunity was only held by Bruce who was still doing the crane on Exile Island.

It was then time for the immunity challenge and it would prove to be a tough physical challenge for all. Each team would start on a floating platform in the ocean. They’d have to grab a giant zombie head and all climb into a boat meant to sink. 5 members would pull stoppers out of holes in the boats and begin bailing water as fast as it was coming in. Meanwhile, 2 people would act as divers and try to pull the “anchor”, which was really a big, heavy wooden box, hauling the boat towards the beach.

Once the boat was close enough to tether to a hitching post, the anchor box would have to be carried to the foot of the zombie body and the head placed on top. First team to complete their zombie would be enjoying a night free of tribal council.

Before they got started Jeff asked both teams how everyone was doing starting with Casaya. Misty spoke up and said everything was great and their unity was being solidified by positive attitudes. Then Jeff turned to La Mina where the Mayor of Crazy Complainer Town, Shane, displayed a case of verbal dysentery and launched into a tirade of “honesty” that him and his tribe were all hurting and this was the worst thing he’s ever experienced. Um, yea, Shane? STFU. Whiner.

Back to the challenge…La mina got a quick lead but the divers were clearly having a hard time trying to move the anchor box. Casaya was actually drifting backwards, unable to bail out the rushing water and compensate for the heavier people in their boat. Divers on both teams were switched every few minutes since this was extremely tiring work and there was no way the 3 pack-a-dayer could hold his breath longer than 2 seconds.

Casaya was finally making up some space between them and La Mina but it was futile. Even though they tethered their boats one right after the other, La Mina was able to run their heavy box up the beach faster then their competition. One again, La Mina were the victors. They celebrated their second win in a row with high fives and big dirty grins and I'm thinking future nightmares involving those GIANT SCARY ZOMBIE THINGS. GOSH!

Before tribal council, Shane the Pain had a bizarre meltdown telling everyone that he wanted to go home and asking, demanding and begging to be voted out. He was missing his kid. He wanted a cigarette. He wanted coffee. He needed Xanax. Listen you Helter Skelter butthole. You’ve been given an opportunity that thousands upon thousands of people ask for. Suck. It. Up.

Melinda caught up with Cirie and Bobby bobbing in the surf and told them the news about Shane. Cirie’s reaction was classic. With obvious glee she says, “Heeeeey, if somebody wants to quit, let him quit”. Shane went on and on and on about it. Making people promise to vote him out, he was ready and wanting to go home.

Aras takes Shane aside and works him hard. Why? I don’t know. Then poof like a cigarette he wasn’t smoking, he changed his mind. Psycho. Then he and Aras join the rest of the tribe to tell them the news that Shane will be staying and make it perfectly clear that it will either be Cirie or Melinda voted out that night. Niiiice. Once again Shane’s diarrhea of the mouth came back and he told the whole friggen camp about the alliance of 4 and who they are. Idiot. I hope that backfires on his stupid ass.

The Survivors made their way to tribal council, lit their torches and had a seat. Probst started with psycho Shane, who blamed his behavior on dehydration and nicotine withdrawal. What. Ever. Cirie then voiced her opinions that if she’s to go home it would be unfair and awful and made it clear she would be very disappointed for failing her family.

Melinda then spoke up and admitted that she too would disappointed, hurt and pissed to be voted out. Further adding that she and Cirie . She and Cirie had performed well and anyone who talks about quitting as much as Shane did should get the boot. And she was right. But alas, the new alliance held firm, The songbird from the South has been silenced, Melinda was given her walking papers and Shane is still an idiot.