Wednesday, August 23, 2006

A few tidbits of advice

Smashing a whole, blackened banana into your hair as a homemade backwater low-rent conditioner then sitting out in the sun for an hour does not enhance the luster of your hair in any way. It turns into a paste similar to quick-set cement and you'll be picking banana fiber off your skull for approximately 7 days or 20 washings. Whichever comes first.

Do not get drunk and decide it's a good time to go "pet the horses" at midnight by climbing into their dark pasture. The thunderous sound of hooves will not feel good across your Reebok hightops and you might likely die while wearing neon blue spandex "running" pants even though the only time you've ever "run" is when you were being chased by a rabid duck at the lake.

Do not rely on the sexual inexperience of your boyfriend who wants to experiment with the South Pole Hole and thinks spit is a sufficient lubricant.

When the man offers you a helmet, pay the rental fee.

Do not let your friends ride on your hood as you do doughnuts in the high school parking lot. They'll scratch the shit out of your paint and their parents will be really mad at you when they get back from the emergency room.

Peach flavored wine colors apparently sting freshly shaved balls.

Your girlfriend will not find it festive after you drink all of the Malibu rum and shove the hook end of a red ball ornament from the Christmas tree through your lobe while yelling "Hey baby, I pierced my ear" as blood flows down your neck at an alarming speed.

Yes. I do know the size of your dick. She told me. They all told me. Get used to it.

Denny's waitresses do not think it's funny to receive a nickel tip under a turned over full glass of water.

Never mess with one of those rifle-flipper chicks in the school band. She'll fuck you up two ways to Sunday.

Do not put your nose on the open vial when a stranger says "hey, smell this". You're next memory will be waking up in a pile of some boys dirty laundry while you try to extricate your left leg from between the washer and dryer.

Stop and go to the bathroom when you have the chance. Then the people at the gas station won't be hollering through the door while you're throwing away your "oops" underwear.

Cashews DO NOT soak up alcohol.

If you get crazy glue on your finger do not panic and try to get it off with your thumb. You will have effectively made a useless lobster claw and it's impossible to dial a fucking phone.

Do not put the vacuum attachment hose around your mouth. You'll end up with a red mark akin to ring-worm for about a week.

There's a reason why girls bikes don't have the middle bar. Nuff said.

When the crazy costume lady making your outfit for your friends Ren Faire wedding asks if you'd like a "little cleavage" tell her no. You will end up with the nickname The Bike Rack.

Do not eat a tuna melt from the lunch truck and sushi from the grocery store on the same day. The dude doing your IV in the ER the next morning will make fun of you.

Never give a crazy stalker man your home phone number.

Never snort Sweet-n-Low from your fingernail. Not even for comic effect. Especially when no one laughs.

Do not marry the man who routinely does the Silence of the Lambs penis tuck. There's something very, very wrong with him.

Do not wait longer than 30 seconds after turning on the gas to light the bar-b-que. Unless you enjoy the smell of burnt hair.

Do not put the drunk girl in charge of making sure the ribs don't burn. You will, in fact, be eating burned ribs.

Do not attempt your first front somersault off the diving board after consuming said burnt ribs with a six pack of cheap beer. You will puke black coal.

Dust busters will not suck up cat barf and you will ruin the dust buster.

Proclaiming with pride to your girlfriend, in the middle of her third time having sex ever, "I think that's the whole enchilada" is NOT romantic. She will get you back with perhaps a peach wine cooler sometime in the future.

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