Monday, August 21, 2006


Dear Medical Community,

I would like to inform you of my incredibly exciting and progressive discovery that answers age-old questions and resolves the mystery that so many of us have struggled with for years. After, just to name a few, more doctors appointments, consultations, painful and/or embarrassing tests, surgeries, lost test results, unreturned phone messages, unanswered questions, rolls of eyes, condescending speeches, nasty office staff, and fuckass god complex patronizing careless asshole experiences, I present to you with all the confidence of someone who's seen enough and had even more than that, my diagnosis of any and all of those who have taken the oath to first and foremost do no harm and you can hardly even manage that on a good day.

98% of you are suffering from the following:

Ego·ti·tis - Pronunciation = ee-go-tye-tis - n.

Latin - fateous headous or swollenium skullium

An excessive inflammation of the ego, caused by infectious or toxic agents in the conceit lobe of the brain, characterized by pompous behavior, excessive frowning, engorged cranium, and disdainful attitudes.

Symptoms and Signs

Egotitis, also known as butthead disease, is characterized by a variable degree of cranial enlargement, absence of sympathy, and a self-limited understanding of patients feelings, often followed by dismissive demeanors, rude behavior, surly staff, unsupportive or fearful inclinations towards patient self-education and the internet, un-returned phone calls, and incessant blathering on and on and on.

Egotitis is due to a depleted empathy node and a possibly fractured sympathy bone.


Egotitis is relatively easy to diagnose although unfortunately rarely treated successfully. Determinations of egotitis are frequently made by the patient after an off-handed or condescending remark has been said. However, some medical personnel have an obvious affliction upon first glance. This can be supported by the observance of an upturned nose or a noticeable scowl. The eyes might travel from the patients head to toes with a disapproving grunt. Most notably, a patient will be asked a question and repeatedly interupteded by physician when attempting to reply. These sufferers should be avoided at all costs, as this will affect patients mental and possible physical well-being.

Treatment and Prognosis

Since egotitis is a self-limited transient disorder lasting an unknown amount of time, treatment is conservative, usually requiring a change of physician for best results. Anti-egotitis drugs are not currently available, although trials are being conducted in my home laboratory (a.k.a. laundry room.) Surgical treatment is only an option when removal is required of a well-placed foot from infected physicians buttocks after a particular pretentious episode has occurred with a severely pissed of client.

Most doctors are terminal, however, some, with intensive verbal lashings and/or required attendance at patient care conferences where they are publicly flogged and verbally bashed, or if the physician becomes a patient themselves and gets treated like a chart and not a person, can overcome this ailment. However, more trials are necessary at this time since this disease has undoubtedly been around for centuries and it will take a virtual miracle to eradicate.


If you are treated like a stupid cow, have symptoms ignored, or are patted on the head as if a small, drooling child, chuck the jerk and find a new doc. Find a new office. Find a new way.

This is your body. You are in charge of it.

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