This is not the time of MY life, muthafuckas

Dear People In Charge of Television Programming:

Hi. I know you're probably busy lining up next weekends infomercials and stuff, since everyone clearly needs a Magic Bullet to keep a 14 gallon supply of guacamole on hand at all times so lets make sure that you play that one at least 4 hours back-to-back on Sunday mornings as I really have nothing better to do with my time after the cat walks across my head at 5:45 a.m. and I'm fucking awake now and the only thing to do at that time of the morning is watch the idiot box and what better to see then that 15 minutes of fame chick from Three's Company who replaced the annoying blond who replaced Suzanne Somers when she got all full of herself and wanted a gazillion dollars to run around in Dolphin shorts and a tube top but you have to admit she had a great rack anyway but that third replacement chick now looks like a bullfrog in a wig and she freaks me out every time I see her giant mouth stretching across my entire screen sipping on a frucking fruit smoothie.

~huge inhale~

But I digress.

The point of my letter is to give you a suggestion. And I assure you, this will make all of our lives better. Like, microwave better. Hybrid engine better. Paris Hilton being shot into space better.

Is it not bad enough that there are eleventy million channels out there and it can take an entire day to find something decent to watch rendering my remote button pushing thumb stiff from overuse? Are we not being teased into a frenzy by HBO who insists on repeating the same 4 horrible flicks on their 8 channels, including the Spanish one and why am I paying extra for this crap? And do you not think some of us have caught onto your immense laziness in your telecasting when some of us who have spent at least 35 out of their 38 years sitting in front of the TV would notice that the endless supply of better theatrical endeavors are probably locked up tight in Michael Jackson's vault right next to the elephant man's bones and some classic all-male "erotica" art?

Well, let me tell you, I've had it. I cannot take it anymore and if the powers that be don't do something about this gross injustice to some of us who spend every waking moment at home viewing the boob tube well, I'm going to write a terse letter. OK, I can barely manage fluffing the pillow behind my head these days so I'm never writing a letter, but I'm surely gonna complain a lot! And yell. Really loud.

WHAT THE BLUE FUCK IS UP WITH PLAYING DIRTY DANCING 14 TIMES A DAY EVERY DAY AND I USED TO LOVE THIS MOVIE BUT NOW YOU'RE RUINING IT!!!

It started out as a lark. A mere "huh, will you look at that, it's on again". Then I started getting a little freaked out that I was managing to flip past Jennifer Grey pre nose-job in her white jeans being lifted over Patrick Swayze pre bad-brow-lift in what I can only surmise was a scummy pond in the Poconos and I'll never stop wondering if families really went away to some smarmy resort together all summer and danced the Cha-Cha with someone named Trixie and why didn't Johnny get arrested for statutory rape since Baby was what, 16 and he was 28 and I always think that dude is gonna drop those two watermelons but he doesn't and do the lift, Baby, come on, you can do the lift!!

BUT HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SUSPEND MY BELIEF IN REALITY IF YOU PLAY THE FRIGGEN MOVIE ON A FRIGGEN LOOP EVERY FRIGGEN DAY?!?

Next you'll get all obsessed with Grease or something and you'll kill that one too. So quit it already and play something else! Gosh.

Sincerely,

Betty