Tuesday, November 01, 2005

And my hair looks like shit too

Hello internet. How have you been? I've been slowly going insane, thanks for asking.

Thank you for the comments. It's nice to know people are thinking about me. Things have been pretty darn shitty for an extended period of time and I seem to be wearing a stink on me much like a dog in the rain after rolling in a pile of cat shit laced with hair perm solution and Texas road kill.

It's all gotten rather serious and I'm sort of hanging on by a thread. Shit is stressful, yo. Lot's of crying and hair pulling and feeling like a caged animal being poked by sticks through the bars. Bah. My faith in the human race is at an all-time low and my attitude matches. The lightbulb at the end of my tunnel burned out. Depressing, ain't it?

A short list of just some things that have happened to me in the last 4 weeks:

1. A jackhole fuckface apparently did a jig or sat their fat ass down on my brand new fucking hood and put a fresh dent in it.
2. I'm post-poning my scan because 99% of the medical field is employed by incompetent pricks who don't return calls, order the wrong tests, spell my name incorrectly, are frothing cunts, and fuck with my health.
3. I have to find new doctors, see #2.
4. I went to my GP begging for help and was pushed towards drugs, again.
5. My home PC was invaded by some new virus resistant to every spyware, ad-aware, anti-virus checker known to man and someone is probably now buying whores in Taiwan with my credit card and no I don't want to play that online fucking casino game, thank you.
6. I'm $1800 in the hole trying to fix my kitty with the mystery disease and one more trip to the vet's doesn't have us any closer to a reason why she's skin and bones and now I have to go back to shoving pills down her throat every day and it's broken my heart because she's my baby and how long will she hang on?
7. I might get fired because I pissed off a dick who treats everyone, especially women, like shit and I don't take kindly to misogynistic buttholes and mouthed off after he growled at me like a rabid dog but he's practically untouchable and has a very big title and my boss has let me dangle since last Thursday not knowing my fate and I'm an anxious mess.
8. My asshole hurts. Don't ask.
9. Number of migraines: approx. 5
10. Days feeling like broiled shit: every damn one.

I'm trying to get in as much appreciating the small things in as I can, but it's a daily struggle. Thank god for whitey and I managing to laugh at something every day. I just feel trapped and miserable and overwhelmed and am tired of being an over-sensitive pussy. Which has been a theme for me for far too long. I need a hug from Oprah.

I'm considering putting in a leave of absence with my job, but they don't have to hold my position for me. I could end up a janitor, or worse, a security guard. I'm considering quitting and taking some much-needed time off. But there goes my bank account. There's no guarantee I'll be approved for time off for my scan, that will hopefully happen in December, and it's pretty much a given that I'll need more radiation too. Suckfest.

And the questions that keep swirling in my addled brain are, how much of this can I control? Is it hormonal? Is it my attitude? Is this permanent? Will I be trapped in crappy jobs for the rest of my life because I'll never be able to get private fucking insurance ever again? Should I move out of state? Should I get a dog? How do I start over? Should I go to grad school. Am I qualified for anything? Is this all worth it? Am I worth it? WHAT. DO. I. DO?

Man, I wish I had something funny to write about, or even a good rant, but I'm drained to the last drop. Sorry. I'm sure everything will work itself out, but right now it's all in panic mode. And I apologize to my friends who shouldn't have to worry about anyone or anything this much.

I don't even want chocolate. And it has nothing to do with the 29 pieces I ate yesterday.

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