Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Shut up. I'm trying to take a shit.

I don't know why people think only the crazies hear voices. It's a lie. A fallacy. Total bollocks. We all have multiple personality disorder and good on us. I, for one, appreciate the 26 sided die. The many-dimensional person. Someone who isn't a pre-programmed automaton moving through life on a virtual cerebral escalator responding to any and all stimuli according to societal rules. Someone who doesn't allow themselves to be shoved into a cookie-cutter mold of what they're "supposed" to be. Someone who can recognize that life is not static and change is not an event. The kind of person who listens to their inner dialogue, takes notes and makes revisions. It takes guts to be this type of person and something most of us need a hefty dose of. Oh waiter, I'll take the heaping plate of spleen please, with a diet coke.

The problem too many fall victim to is the negative crap voices that steer you in the dangerous directions. The ones that say "jump off the cliff you worthless bag of retarded filth." "You're not worthy to scrape the shit stains off the toilets in hell". Don't get me wrong, a loud shout of warning inside our crowded skulls is a good thing. Reason and pondering, weighing options and outcome is a smart thing to do, should your next action be preceded by "hold my beer for a second, I'm gonna try sumthin". Perhaps not, idiot.

However, even those who can recognize and heed a persistent murmur of "that's not a good idea" are not immune to the diabolically cruel voices chipping away at our brains with ruthless hammers, although I think some learn how to play this internal chess game better than others. And I truly believe it's a boy vs. girl issue. There are basic fundamental premises of treating the sexes differently from the time the doctor proclaims the squirming mass of flesh to be either male or female. I'm not saying all differences in child rearing are wrong, but speaking as a chick, I think we need to do a hell of a lot more to equip the future women in our societies to serve up a lot more cups of shut the fuck up and a lot less mindless agreeing to complete crap and worse still, beating themselves up every minute of the day.

These hellish voices dictate so much of ourselves. Why do they have such power? And why is it so hard to get them to muzzle thier pie holes? If a random stranger got in my face and called me a fat ass, I'd have to count to about a billion in order to control myself from ripping out their throat and screaming "take that asshole" into the gaping cavity. If someone I considered a friend yelled from a loudspeaker that I was a stupid whore, I'd have to make them cry salty tears of regret, for about a year. If a family member treated me with disrespect and for the millionth fucking time while watching a monkey eat its ass on the Discovery Channel said "hey Bitter, look, you're on TV", well, this is family, you know we all reserve the most vicious and heinous revenge for those we are related too. Just picture something like jalapeƱo juice in someone's underwear. That's all I'm sayin.

My wish, especially for young girls, who's internal voices scream the loudest and are bigger bitches than any skank you came across in your junior high locker room, is that you grab hold of that frothing cunt telling you you're fat, ugly, not worthy, unlovable, stupid, crazy, lame, incapable, cheap, poor, etc., ad nauseum, and kick her with all your might right in the twat. Gotta teach that ho a lesson and that you're no match for her. Make an example for any other snide, self-righteous, turd breath voices who'd like to step in a take a swipe at you and your self worth. And that includes the haunting sounds of our mothers, ex-boyfriends, that brutal dyke of a gym teacher in 11th grade, or the soulless celebate-not-by-choice retail boss you had at the mall. Because you kick ass, and you'll make them bleed their own blood if they cross that line.

We are truly our own worst enemies and it's time we stop fighting with ourselves. I'm so tired of hearing all of my friends (and myself) deflect a compliment, brushed off like a gnat buzzing in their face. Yes, yes you are funny. Yes, yes you are a beautiful person. Yes, yes you are a pain in the ass but you're my pain in the ass and I love you for who you are, ya dumb bitch. I'm so tired of watching young girls balance their entire self-worth on what someone else thinks of them. Their lives can change in one small instant, with one well-placed barb. And most of these are happening in their own heads. They don't even need someone to say anything mean to them. It's boring, you bitches! Knock it off!

There are so many women practically paralyzed with insecurities. We have enough challenges to deal with; we don't need to be in a constant battle with the hag in our head tearing us down one layer at a time. Enough already. Be confident. It's sexy. We all have something to offer. We're all worthwhile. We're all awesome. And don't you forget it!!

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