I've taken to calling it Planet Apathetica of which I'm the ruling queen. I'm not really sure what triggered this trip to Club Coma but not long after we rang in 2009 I just stopped giving (most of) a shit. Turned my back on all things creative, let myself go, became Princess Blah.
Of course I've kept myself clean, bathed, smelling nice but everything else went out the window. This once dressed-to-the-nines girl with the shoe fetish wears nothing more than yoga pants and t-shirts every day and gawd forbid I put on a stitch of makeup. I've hardly picked up my camera all year and you may of noticed there wasn't a lot of writing going on.
I think a lot had to do with my work situation. I've concluded that my job had bored me to tears which then made me fiercely complacent (oxymoron?) which then caused me to become sort of depressed. Which all equals ZOMBIE. I didn't sit around crying about shit, I just turned OFF.
And then I got canned. Oh, the irony.
In February we heard a rumor that people with my particular title might be losing their jobs to a consolidated office in Bumfuck, Tennessee. Despite my boss assuring us we'd be OK I just knew I'd get swept up in the dust so I started to financially plan for it right away. Then 3 days after I got back from a July vacation I was called into my bosses office and found the HR Ghoul sitting there and I knew. Thanks for the (almost) 8 years of service, October 30th will be your last day.
I suppose being given more than 3 months notice was better than most people who've lost their jobs in this craptastic economy but I don't do well with sitting around knowing a hammer is going to fall on my head and it did nothing for my already questionable psyche. Stressful, it's been.
But, I've also tried to look at it this way. I wasn't happy in almost every aspect of my life. Planet Apathetica sucks. The view is shitty and the drinks are watered down. It's time to cash in my return ticket and get back to living, as lame as that sounds. I keep waiting for my Oprah a-ha moment but when you've narrowed your life view to a pin-point you're not going to see it even if it's an elephant dancing the lambada in the corner. This layoff was meant to be. Meant to wake me up so I can push myself out of this stupid hole. I'm sure of it.
2009 wasn't the worst year I've ever had. Not a bunch of roses but not a flaming bag of dogshit either. But it wasn't easy. So, here's the plan. I'm taking a few months off and thanks to a small severance package I can. I'm giving myself permission to step back and take the time I need to put my ducks back in their row. I will make goals to improve myself mentally and physically and follow through with good decisions. I need to flex my tight creative muscles so that's on the list as well. Not convinced I'll write more but we'll see.
I'm sure this will be a bumpy road, Lord knows I do everything the hardest fucking way possible, but I will succeed. Quite the new thought pattern for me, don't ya think? Don't worry, I'm still a cranky bitch a lot of the time but at my age I'd better have a few things figured out and being a full-time pessimist just isn't working any more. One of my work friends told me before I left that this was my opportunity to re-invent myself. I've taken those words to heart and that's exactly what I plan to do.
I've also discovered that the end result for these changes isn't to be happier, necessarily. It's to be better. And for me, that's the best destination I could wish for.
And to throw in a bonus here's this years re-cap:
1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Got laid off.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any last year but I will this year.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Nope, thank Jebus.
5. What states did you visit?
This year I've been to Montana, Idaho, Utah, and Wyoming. The norm for visiting my folks.
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
The balls to fly on an airplane. This year was the worst ever and I really thought I was going to lose my ever-lovin' shit while in the air. Twice.
7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
July 13th - the day I got canned and October 30th, my last day at work.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Holding myself together pretty well in spite of the enormous stresses of getting the boot in the worst economy since the Depression.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not losing the extra weight I've been carrying for the last 6 years. I'm really mad at myself over that.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Are you kidding me? Yes and yes.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
42 " flat screen TV on Christmas Eve (with gifted money). It's my new boyfriend.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My boyfriends. My word he puts up with my shit like a champ and he did some pretty heavy decision making of is own.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
There are seriously too many to mention but if I had to pick someone I'd say any one of the numerous attention whore idiots on reality shows who do the stupidest shit imaginable thinking it'll get them some kind of fame and fortune. (I'm looking at you, Tool Academy.)
14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills, bills, bills, bills, bills.
15. What did you get really excited about?
Actually, the thought of being able to start over gets me hard.
16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
Lady GaGa, Just Dance. (Which I did in November and jacked up my back something awful.)
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
– happier or sadder? Sadder - but also hopeful, if that makes sense.
– thinner or fatter? A tiny bit fatter, darnit.
– richer or poorer? Poorer, definitely.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Worked out. Ate better.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Sitting around doing nothing.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
At home with my bf.
21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
As usual, I love my bf more every year.
22. What was your favorite TV program?
Too many to count. True Blood is at the top, though. Go team Bill!
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
24. What was the best book you read?
I wasted most of my reading on the Twilight series. Barf.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
That my stupid Ipod is broken.
26. What did you want and get?
A flat screen TV.
27. What did you want and not get?
Sales in my Etsy shop.
28. What was your favorite film of this year?
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 42 and spent the day at Diseyland with my best 2 boys. It was hot as Satan's asshole but we had a great time.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Figuring myself out.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
32. What kept you sane?
Being at home.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
California not overturning the stupid, unconsitutional Prop 8. Shame on you, CA.
35. Who did you miss?
36. Who was the best new person you met?
I got friendly with a woman at work who's totally kick-ass. Unfortunately we discovered how much we liked each other way too late since now I'm gone.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
That I have more control over the outcomes in my life than I thought.
Just dance, Gonna be okay. Da-da-doo-doo-mmm