Tuesday, July 18, 2006

On anniversaries

Tis the season for momentous occasions for me. June. July. August. September. Those months mark milestones. Important milestones. The holiday's I used to pay attention to, the ones that were marked on the calendar and waited for with anticipation, like normal people, have been replaced by the summer months and there's no damn presents involved. Dammit.

Today is especially, um, interesting? No. Poignant? No, that's not right. Melancholy. That seems to fit. I'll take melancholy for 500, Alex.

July 18th is the day I found out I had cancer. 3 years ago today my life changed forever in an instant. A horrible, crushing instant.

I wrote about it in here somewhere but I can't find the exact post and frankly I don't have the energy to go look for it. And I suspect I would cringe at some of the things I said and how I said them because I never like the finished product 100% and every time I re-read something I've written I find changes that should be made and am I not crazy enough already?

I do not live my life in a constant state of depression or negativity and I see you looking at me that way, I swear I do not. I'm a cranky crankypants but I laugh a lot and try to pay attention to good stuff. Last weekend I was overcome with a moment of happiness and I savored it for as long as I could.

On the flip side of Happytown is the reality of my existence and my life as it is now. More complications from this asshole disease than even I like to think about and the never-ending fear that I have lung cancer. Or breast cancer. Or butthole cancer. Or will get them someday. Or the thyroid cancer will come back, because unfortunately there's a good chance it will.

And I still don't feel good. After 3 motherfucking years, I still don't feel good. And on days like today, when the memories come flooding back like a busted pipe in the basement soaking all your keepsakes and treasures making the house stink of mildew and it's a fucking mess to clean up, I have a hard time keeping my head up.

On days like today the sky is not blue. The air is not cool. The sugar is not sweet.

On days like today the tears do not cleanse. The hugs do not comfort. The words do not mend.

On days like today I need to be sad. I need to reflect. I need to hurt.

And then I can move on.

After days like today. I will move on.

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