Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Tis the season

I'm feeling a bit melancholy today. I've been hit by a wave of wistfulness like rogue spray coming over the bough of a boat when you didn't expect it, the icy water stunning your face and making you blink and sputter then get bummed out because fuckity, you're all wet now.

The holidaze are a weird time. We're entering into what I like to refer to as the Holiday Trifecta of Hell. Christmas, New Years, and Valentines Day. When your self-worth is all about being a couple thus proving someone out there wants you and you can avoid those awwww isn't that sad she doesn't have a boyfriend for this special day total bullshit. Some people would be perfectly content being alone.

I wish people would keep their yappers shut tight and save their condescending comments to themselves and not make singles feel like boiled crap for being unattached. You'd think I'd be able to avoid stupid comments now that I actually have a boyfriend. A man whom I love very, very much and am so grateful to be sharing my life with. We happen to not be spending Christmas together for the second time since we've been together and that's fine by us. It's no big deal, except to other people. My mother keeps using that tone. You know the one. The one that says "Ooooooohhhkaaaayyy. If you saaaaaaaaayyyyyyy sooooooo". Yes, mother, I say so. And she's not the only one who's done that.

So, on top of some people trying to plant this seed of depression in my already depressed head, I'm having a bit of heartache today about ghosts of relationships past. I was logged in to IM a little while ago and an old friend popped up. This person and I aren't talking anymore and it was a very painful "break-up" for lack of a better term. I don't know why I haven't deleted his name from my list. I just haven't. I guess I wonder if he'll ever say anything to me ever again. So far he hasn't.

I understand that whole friend for a reason, friend for a season thing, but sometimes a person comes through your life and leaves a hole behind. Circumstances make the thing go sour, or they move on, or it simply fades. Sometimes the person had too many broken things about then and it would have never worked but it still hurts. And this is making me think about all the people who have had a special place in my heart who are no longer in my life.

Like my friend of 30 years who stopped talking to me when she found out I had cancer. That one still stings fresh. I didn't just lose her, I lost her whole family. The ones who cause a scar always come back to haunt me, especially this time of year, and it has made me sad today.

Really, really sad.

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